The Judge Hutchinson’s Gavel
by Alex Shlenski
I have to tell you, this is a mind blowing story, hard to believe. On the other hand, unbelievable things happen almost every day, you know. Like one of these days, I was at my home in San Antone slicing me a piece of onion. I thought it was in the morning but in fact, it was after midnight, ’cause I was asleep and I was just dreaming that I was in the kitchen, early in the morning, holding a knife in my hand and cutting that onion. I was at home alone, nobody around. And the next moment my nana, who died very long ago, is standing right in front of me, asking, why are you cuttin’ this onion? And I like, nana, I’m all hungry and my tummy is rumbling like a thunderstorm! So I am fixin’ me some grub. And she comes, leave that onion alone, boy! You’re asleep and you’re supposed to be sleepin’, not eatin’. It ain’t no good to eat while you’re sleep. And I say, nana, you know how much I love you, but please, mind your own business. I am starving and I’m gonna eat that dang onion! And then she comes again, no, you toss that onion now, you’re supposed to be asleep. And then I say, nana, if I’m supposed to be asleep then you’re supposed to be dead, in the cemetery, and not tellin’ me what to do. And then she comes, don’t you get fresh with me, boy! And then I say, nana, you’ve been dead way too long! I ain’t a little boy no more! I am over fifty matter of fact, and my beard is half gray, how ’bout that? But anyway, it’s a different story and I’ll finish it some other time. ‘Cause right now am gonna tell you that unbelievable story about judge Hutchinson’s gavel. It’s a somewhat twisted story, mind you, but to the same talking, it’s worth listening. It happened one day in a courtroom up North in the state of Illinois…
- – ALL RISE! THIS COURT IS NOW IN SESSION. THE HONORABLE JUDGE GLENN W. HUTCHINSON IS PRESIDING.
District judge Glenn Hutchinson walked majestically to his seat and occupied it in a way a king is taking his royal throne. He glanced at the courtroom, waited for silence, then looked at the bailiff, who just announced the beginning of the trial, and asked,
– What’s on the docket, Mr. Thompson?
– People of the state of Illinois versus David Houdini, Your Honor!
The judge’s fleshy hand solemnly slammed the gavel into its wooden base. The blow was strong enough, to assert the inevitability of justice and inspire respect to the judicial procedure, but was not excessively loud. The judge’s gavel stuck to the center of its stand, seriously and meaningfully. It did not make an attempt to bounce back in a playful manner – such behavior may be appropriate for a tennis ball in a tennis court but would have been very indecent for a gavel in a court of law.
Judge Hutchinson’s gavel was a remarkable piece of art – a large and heavy instrument of venerable appearance, made of ebony and adorned with nifty carvings. It was ornate in moderation, though, which made it look even more solid and respectable. Such a mighty gavel could not only open and close court sessions, announce fifteen-minute breaks and call for order, but also execute death sentences in one decisive blow right in the courtroom.
In order not to bore the reader, I won’t dwell on the gavel’s stand too much. I’ll only mention that it was a flat cylinder made of ebony, its bottom was covered with thick velvet cloth so that it did not slide on a table. The golden letters engraved over its side would say: “Fiat justitia et pereat mundus”. No one in the courtroom, including the judge himself, had a slightest idea what language it was, let alone a translation. Which was sad because the judge, who went online every night to watch some porn before going to bed, could have looked it up long ago, if only he craved for words as much as for big young boobs. It’s pure shame that with that many people from Latin America in the country nobody could translate a simple Latin proverb, let alone Cicero, Tacitus, and Virgil.
Both the gavel and the stand had been in the judge’s possession for eternity, and he never parted with them in his entire judicial career, just as a violinist never parts with his precious Stradivarius violin. On a second thought, comparison with a violin might seem far fetched. If prosecution, defense, judge and jury, witnesses on both sides, bailiffs and court reporter all together comprise a kind of an orchestra, and the judge is the conductor, then the judge’s gavel, without a doubt, is a conductor’s baton. The solemn swings of this holy tool of justice relate to the judicial process as the artistic moves of conductor’s wand to classical music. Both types of music – symphonic and judicial – have plenty of passionate fans, who never miss a single concert. The courtroom was full of observers, who come to court like theatrical play lovers come to a theater.
– YOU MAY BE SEATED NOW.
After these words the members of the judicial orchestra and their fans started perching their asses on the rough court benches worn from long continuous use. As it routinely happens in a court of law since time immemorial, the prosecution took the floor first. In our story it was the chief criminal prosecutor of Livingston county Kyle Stevens.
The chief prosecutor announced the indictment, which, by the way, was rather unusual. The defendant by the name of David Houdini’s was charged with a premeditated murder of Don Monteleone, the former chairman of the city council. The said murder was committed by suffocating the victim to death with a huge pile of cash.
There still are a lot of unclear circumstances in the David Houdini’s case, Mr. Stevens said. The defendant is a convicted felon, he was trialed and found guilty of manufacturing and dealing counterfeit money. However, criminal investigation could not figure the size of his earnings nor find any of his stashes where he hides his unlawful savings. What is even more suspicious, the investigators were unable to find the address of residence of the defendant, his birth certificate, parents, or any other relatives. His origination and real name are still unknown to the police, justice, and even to three letter agencies. Once in custody, the convict tried to fake a mental illness. He was claiming that he is not a human being and not even a life form.
The defendant was claiming that he is a artificial human created by a civilization far more advanced than the one on Earth, and his body consists of physical fields unknown to human science. He insisted that he is an extraterrestrial infiltration device disguised as a human and sent to Earth with a very important mission. He complained that his convincing human appearance is affecting his task very negatively. Humans doubt his extraterrestrial origin and therefore, do not pay due respect to his mission and the questions he asks. Because of that, he cannot conduct detailed interviews and study humans. He said that the civilization that sent him to Earth had no idea that their scout will have to deal with utterly disorganized and ignorant creatures, who know nearly nothing about their own nature and have no skills and desire to learn themselves and their environment the right way.
The consistently inadequate behavior of the convict, and especially his preposterous but amazingly well elaborated extraterrestrial plot finally convinced the administration of the correctional facility that the convict’s mental disorder might be real and they scheduled a psychiatric evaluation. The psychiatric panel and later, a panel of physicians, repeatedly examined the convict, created his psychological profile and made a series of medical tests. No sign of bodily illness or a mental disorder have been found, and the prison administration retired to the opinion that the convict is faking it. There was an incident with his blood work, however. The lab reported that the vials with the convict’s blood samples contained pure ethanol.
– Apparently this scoundrel somehow switched the vials. – concluded the judge – Did the medics repeat the blood test, anyway?
– Yes, they did, and the second time the vials contained diesel fuel. The convict was told not to mess with the vials and he said that he never did. He claimed that his system does not need blood and runs on any liquid fuel like alcohol, vinegar, gasoline, diesel, even liquid nitrogen. – replied the prosecutor.
In the correctional facility the defendant has shown an inexplicable ability to disappear from his cell and resurface in the most unexpected places on the prison compound. He could suddenly appear in the prison office, in the dining room for the prison personnel, in the armory, in the laundry facility, in the kitchen, in the boiler room and other places, including even the warden’s office… The convict never tried to escape from the correctional facility, neither he showed any signs of malicious behavior. Instead, he constantly tried to engage into a conversation with the other convicts and the personnel, asking them strange questions, none of which seem to have an obvious answer.
– What sort of questions would that be, dare to ask? – said the judge. The gavel in his hand sketched an inquisitive trajectory in the air.
– For example, he asked, why humans prefer to kill their excessive population in wars and suffer the consequences like wounds, injuries, dismemberment, PTSD, damage to the infrastructure and family losses rather than simply control their birth rate and kill redundant offspring. He was asking why humans have a strong movement against abortions but no movement against murdering adult people.
– That’s pretty neat! Any other examples?
– There’s plenty, your Honor. The defendant was also asking, why people get awarded for killing other people at war and get severely punished by law for killing people in many other circumstances. When the prison chaplain visited him in his cell and offered him to pray together, he asked him, why humans have limited their communication with God to repeating dumb words written by some idiots and called “prayers” rather than just talk to him in their own words and carefully listen to his answers.
The courtroom spectators started giggling. A couple of jurors chucked.
– It’s getting more and more interesting! This defendant is something else! Please, tell us everything you know. Don’t skip a thing!
– As you wish, your honor! Here are some other questions he asked: why people in the state of Florida drive their slowly clunkers in the leftmost lane on a freeway and go berserk when someone tries to pass them. Why prostitution and recreational marijuana are legal in Netherlands and illegal in the US. Why humans keep speaking so many languages instead of choosing just one and discontinue the rest. Why Muslims kill people for the religion they don’t understand well enough themselves. Why people who fight against abortions do not raise those unwanted babies to give them a chance not to grow up in the street and become druggies and criminals. Why people cannot sue a state for violating their constitutional rights and nevertheless call their regime “democracy”.
– Look at him! – snorted the judge. – He, who prints counterfeit money, is concerned about his constitutional rights and has the nerve to question sovereign immunity! Anything else?
– He asked many times why high intelligence makes human behavior highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, comparing to way less intelligent species that behave very cooperatively, especially cockroaches. He asked why humans don’t try to cross-breed with cockroaches in order to create a new species, not less intelligent but also peaceful and cooperative.
– My goodness! – exclaimed an old pious-looking juror.
– Goodness has nothing to do with it, dearie! – the judge objected.
– He asked people on many occasions if they know Barbara, Celarent, Darii and Ferio.
– Who the hell knows? People with those names could be rock stars, drug dealers, Greek philosophers or illegal immigrants in Arizona! – the judge’s gavel rose and fell.
– To prevent further violations of prison regulations, – continued the chief prosecutor, – the rogue inmate was transferred to the maximum security unit, placed in an impenetrable cell and secured to the wall with reinforced handcuffs and leg shackles. Despite of all restraining measures, the defendant continued to disappear and arise like a ghost in different parts of the prison. His shackles and handcuffs remained properly locked and chained to the massive steel hooks in the wall as if the inmate suddenly evaporated. Since the true identity of the inmate has not yet been found, the prison administration gave him the code name “David Houdini”. In fact, just a combination of David Copperfield’s and Harry Houdini’s names, that is, the men known for their ability to easily disappear from where they were supposed to be and then appear where they were not supposed to be.
Last but not least, the defendant had been fingerprinted eleven times, and each time his fingerprints were completely different like it was another man. He was asked to stop messing with the fingerprint technicians and change his prints every time. He promised to do so. The next time the print set indeed, coincided with the previous one, but somehow individual prints has jumped from one finger to another, as if the man detached his fingers from his hands, threw them into a basket, shook it and then attached the fingers back on in a completely different order.
– Your Honor, the chief prosecutor concluded, – I believe that this scoundrel remains in prison only because he enjoys making a mockery of the American penitentiary system. Otherwise he would have vanished without a trace. That would be all… So, can I call my first witness?
The gavel made a slight move in the judge’s hand, – Prosecution, you may call your first witness.
– The prosecution calls Stacy Beckett – announced Mr. Stevens. A tight red-haired man took the witness stand.
– Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? – asked bailiff Thompson.
– I do! – the witness replied.
– Mr. Beckett, what position did you hold under the late Chairman Monteleone? the chief prosecutor asked.
– I had the privilege to be his personal assistant and secretary.
– Please tell us how and under what circumstances you met the defendant.
– With pleasure! On the thirteenth of August two thousand fifteen this man arrived to our office in the state Capitol building. He first called me from the lobby downstairs and said that he had an appointment with Mr. Monteleone at two o’clock in the afternoon. It was 1:50 pm already, so I asked him to take the stairs or the elevator to our office on the third floor and sign himself in at our visitor log.
– Did the defendant take the stairs or the elevator? – asked the judge with a subtle smile.
– That is the strange part, your Honor! I can swear, he took neither one. He emerged in the reception room out of nowhere, right in front of my desk. I thought that something wrong happened to my eyes. I even went to see my eye doctor the next day but he said that my eyesight was fine.
– Mr. Beckett, do you remember the name that the defendant put into the visitor log? – asked the prosecutor.
– Yes, sir. It was Jonathan Swift.
– Really! Why, this is a pretty famous name, don’t you think? – chuckled the judge.
– It definitely is! – the witness replied. – When I was a boy, one day I swallowed my father’s watch for a bet. When I got it back from the potty, it didn’t run anymore. So I took it to a watchmaker, whose name was Jonathan Swift, and he was a very famous man in our small town, indeed! Sadly, he refused to repair my watch because of the smell. He said, “hey boy, did you drop her into a pile of…”
– Boom! – said the gavel. – Irrelevant! – clarified judge Hutchinson. – Prosecution, please proceed with the questions.
– Mr. Beckett, do you remember when the defendant called you to make an appointment? – asked chief prosecutor.
– No, sir! This is another funny part because I could not recall anything. I was handling all the appointments for Mr. Monteleone and I never need to look at the schedule. I always remembered all appointments I scheduled. This was the only time I could not recall when and how I set up the appointment with Mr. Swift. He called from the lobby and caught me by surprise. I told him that he does not have an appointment but he insisted that I looked at my schedule. I did and to my dismay found his name, the date and the time written by my own hand, with ink on paper. Mr. Monteleone did not trust computers and wanted me to keep all his records in paper books.
– Did the defendant produce any documents at the name of Jonathan Swift?
– Yes, sir! He showed a valid Illinois driver’s license in that name, and it had his photograph. The ID was real. I am a retired police detective, I would have spotted a fake ID right away.
– Okay. Please tell the jury what happened next.
– Right after Mr. Swift signed in, Mr. Monteleone came out of his office and left, saying that he needed to see the mayor on a short notice, and he’ll be back in an hour. I told Mr. Swift that unfortunately he would have to wait. Mr. Swift replied that he’d rather leave and asked me to pass to Mr. Monteleone a little souvenir he brought for him. He handed me a small cardboard box, then he said his goodbye and immediately left.
– Please tell us about this box. Have you opened it?
– Yes, sir! I opened it and checked its contents meticulously. That was a part of my job as well. The box contained a unusual device of a size and shape of an iPhone. It was bright orange and there were four green buttons at opposite sides of the unit.
– What else was in that box, Mr. Beckett?
– A couple of pages with user instructions, sir. The instructions said that it was a high capacity portable cash printer that prints dollar bill. I thought, it must have been some sort of a prank.
– Did the instruction say what kind of dollar bills this device could print?
– Indeed, sir. It said that the device could prints dollar bills of any denomination. You just need to wish what kind of bills you want to be printed.
– To wish how?
– Just to think about it, that’s what the instruction said.
– Didn’t you think it was illegal to build, have in possession and use such a device?
– Of course, it was my first thought. But I was absolutely sure it was a prank or some sort of publicity stunt. Mr. Monteleone had many influential and eccentric friends. They had a funny tradition to send him all sorts of ridiculous gifts, both expensive and useless. I thought, this thing was just another prank, so I was not surprised at all.
– What kind of gifts? – asked the prosecutor. – Can you bring us an example?
– Sure! A golden model of a Tesla car with double exhaust, a toy cell phone that was yelling profane words very loudly instead of a ringtone, a green dildo with little paws, that hopped and croaked like a toad, a sex doll with shaky boobs and a very hairy…
– That’s enough, Mr. Beckett! I believe the jury got the idea. – said judge Hutchinson.
– Did you try to put this device in action and print some money? – asked the prosecutor.
– Yes, sir! I pressed the buttons and the device, indeed started working. Sir, it really was a joke. It printed three-dollar bills. Everybody knows that bills of such denomination do not exist. It was fast, too! In just few seconds this little thing squirted more than two hundred three-dollar bills out of its gut! It looked surreal, sir! The size of this device was way too small to hold that much paper. And I have to say, other than the denomination, those bills looked like a real deal. They felt right to the touch and even smelled like true money. If they were five dollar bills, they would’ve taken them in any store or restaurant, even in a bank! If not the portraits, of course.
– What portraits? – asked chief prosecutor.
– The face on the bills. It was not a face of any of the US presidents. I recognized that face right away. I saw it in our criminology textbook it in the police academy. It was a portrait of Victor Lustig, a con artist who came to Paris and sold Eiffel Tower to French businessmen for scrap. That bastard sold the damn tower twice!
– Praise Lord, our Empire State Building is not made of steel and wire! – said Mr. Stevens.
– Lord has nothing to do with it! – said the judge.
– Well, tell us what happened next? – asked chief prosecutor.
– Well… I tried not to laugh when I handed Chairman Monteleone the box with the funny device and the instructions as he returned from the mayor’s office. After a couple of minutes he asked me to make sure that no one disturb him for the rest of the day. He looked very excited. I mean, his eyes were wandering and he was almost choking. Next second he locked his door from the inside and I have not heard from him since. On the next morning I entered the office and noticed that the Pitbull’s door was still locked from the inside. I’m sorry, that’s how we called our boss behind his back. Pitbull… I got worried and called our security guard. The surveillance footage showed that Mr. Monteleone hasn’t left his office since yesterday. We knocked on his door and called his phone but he did not answer. Then we immediately called the sheriff’s office. Deputy Robinson and the rest of sheriff’s team arrived ten minutes later. We met them in the office. Kermit Ruffins, our security guard, brought the spare key and we opened the door. Your Honor… Mr. Stevens… you already know the rest.
– Thank you, Mr. Beckett. I have no more questions for you. – The chief prosecutor turned to the judge. – Your honor, may I call the next witness?
– Yes you can.
– Thanks, your Honor. The prosecution calls Brian Culbertson, the CSI with the Livingston county Sheriff office.
A huge police officer, taller than six feet, built like a wrestler, passed to the stand, covered the court Bible with his palm like a matchbox, and took an oath, promising to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help him God.
– Mr. Culbertson, you’re a CSI with the Livingston county sheriff office, correct?
– Yes sir, that’s correct.
– Please describe the jury what you have found after you and the deputy opened Mr. Monteleone’s office door.
– The door lock got stuck because something was pushing the door with a great force from the inside. I had to use some muscles to overpower the stubborn lock. The very moment the lock gave in, the door slammed open, and we all saw an avalanche of cash pouring out and flooding the reception room.
– What kind of cash did you see, Mr. Culbertson?
– It was brand-new hundred-dollar bills all over, sir! The office was stuffed with them from the top to the bottom, so the deputy called the janitor and asked him to bring the shovels. We began to shovel that huge pile of cash out of the office. Deputy Robinson grew up on a farm, his is really good with a shovel! It took us almost four hours just to remove most of the cash from the office and the reception room to the lounge. We needed help to safely impound that huge amount of cash, so the Deputy called for a backup. When we finally dug out Mr. Monteleone we naturally, broke quite a bit of sweat.
– In what condition you found Mr. Monteleone, when you saw him?
– He did not move nor breathe, did not talk either. He had a bluish puffy face and his body was cold and very stiff. I checked his pulse anyway. We made no attempt to resuscitate him. He was dead as a door nail. Considering the temperature of the body, his death occurred between one and three o’clock in the morning. Later our coroner McDermott defined his cause of death as suffocation. You should have it in your files. That cash have crushed his body like a gardener stomps a snail.
– What else have you found at the crime scene?
– Late Mr. Monteleone was holding a small orange box in his hands and that box kept spraying a strong stream of cash right in the air like a fire hose. We had to pry it out of his dead stiff hands. Once the green buttons on the box got released, the device stopped spraying the cash. My goodness! I’ve never seen anything like that even in a movie!
– As the judge said already, goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie! – screeched the defendant suddenly in a thin squeaky voice.
– I gave the box a try to figure how it works and pressed those buttons. The box burst a spray of cash. I released the buttons and examined the result. The box produced almost a hundred seven-dollar bills in just a few seconds. We impounded the box along with the other material evidences and passed to our tech experts. I guess, Mr. Jamal will tell yous more about this unholy device. I have nothing more to say, your Honor.
– Thank you, Mr. Culbertson. You may be seated now. – Judge Hutchinson pointed his gavel to the chief prosecutor. Next witness, please!
– The prosecution calls Ahmad Jamal. Mr Jamal, do you need a Quran to take the oath?
– Thank you, Mr. Stevens. Actually, it’s A-kh-mad. I know my looks and my name suggest that I must be Muslim but I was raised as a foster child in a Buddhist family, so the Bible is all I need.
– What a shame! – squeaked the defendant. – I guess, you’re not even circumcised.
The judge slammed his gavel on the base real loudly. – Defendant! One more remark of that sort from you, and you’ll be in contempt of this court, which means more jail time for you! Cease and desist!
– Mr. Jamal, you work as a lead computer hardware engineer in Textronics corporation and you are also a forensic technical consultant for the Livingston county Sheriff office. Is this correct?
– That is correct. – The expert turned to the defendant. – And just for you to know, your guess is wrong. I am circumcised and I can prove it to you right after the trial.
The people in the court room burst laughing.
– Order! – the judge and the gavel barked synchronously. The courtroom gradually calmed down.
– Your honor! Ladies and gentlemen! I am about to show you a miraculous device built by a criminal genius that yet has to be found and put behind bars, unless this trial proves that its creator is our defendant himself. Before demonstrating the device, I’d like to briefly describe what it’s capable of. Don’t be tricked by its small size. Since Mr. Monteleone locked his office door and started printing cash until the Sheriff’s men slammed in and stopped the device, that is, in less than twelve hours, it had printed two billion one hundred and thirty-seven million seven hundred and ninety-two thousand four hundred dollars, all in hundred-dollar bills. It is more than the amount the Federal Reserve planned to print in four batches and loan to the leading national banks, interest-free, in the next twelve months to revive our country’s economy. The weight of this money exceeds forty-seven thousand pounds, which is more than twenty-one metric ton!
The murmurs and exclamations of astonishment flew throughout the courtroom, quickly turning into a storm. The district judge had to resort to his favorite tool, that is, his gavel, to restore order and silence. Little by little, the noise subsided, and the courtroom calmed down.
– Please continue, Mr. Jamal! – judge Hutchinson wiped his forehead with a long sleeve of his mantle, as he broke a light sweat, exercising with a heavy gavel for a few minutes.
– Yes, your honor. – the expert witness replied. – And now is the time to actually demonstrate the device.
Mr. Jamal opened his briefcase and produced a small metal box with a white sticker on its side. He opened the box, carefully pulled out its contents, and solemnly demonstrated to the courtroom audience an Apple iPhone, brand-new, as if it had just come from the store.
The expert witness looked at the iPhone, flinched and dropped it on the floor. He looked at it once again and screamed “kus emek!”, as if he was stung by a dozen bees. The bees must have flown from the courtroom because it started buzzing like an angry hive. Judge Hutchinson once again had to take up the gavel, and after a short while, resort to the bailiff. By the time the room was in order, Mr. Jamal had already picked up the iPhone from the floor. He looked like a lost dog and was staring at the device dumbly.
– Your Honor! It was impossible to replace the material evidence. We kept it in the armored safe in the Sheriff’s office evidence room! I’ve never lost sight of my briefcase on my way to court even for a split second! I swear before God I never opened the briefcase and the evidence box.
– I didn’t even think to accuse you of replacing the evidence, Mr. Jamal. – answered the judge. – Because I am sure his little sticky hands did it! – the voice of the district judge rumbled with righteous anger, and the gavel in his hand pointed to the defendant – a plain looking little man. He was a shorty, or like we put it in the South, a knee-high to a grasshopper. His inconspicuous face left no chance to recognize it even to his own mother. He sat modestly, dressed in the orange robe of an federal prison inmate, with enormous handcuffs shining brightly on his tiny hands. His feet were chained with very serious shackles linked to a thick metal chain that was wrapped around a massive concrete dock several times.
– I have to confess, Mr. judge. I replaced the device, indeed. But it was just a safety measure. Only I did not do it with my hands, that’s for sure. – said the man in the orange robe. – I used completely different methods of physical interaction, which are totally unknown in your world. – His plain face twisted into a grimace that was probably intended to be a smile. – Strictly speaking, I have no hands or any other body parts. – The little defendant spoke loudly and distinctly. However, his voice was completely devoid of individual timbre. If a drinking glass could talk it would probably talk just like that.
– What you see, Mr. judge, is not a real human body, it’s a very plausible fake. – the defendant raised his handcuffed hands and they slowly melted away and disappeared, leaving the handcuffs hanging in the air. – By the way, Mr. judge, may I ask what exactly is the purpose of this heavy wooden hammer?
– What hammer? – the judge asked, stunned.
– This one. – the defendant’s hand suddenly appeared over the judge’s table apart from his body. It grabbed the gavel and hit the wooden stand twice. Then the hand gently put the gavel back in place and started melting in the air while appearing at the same time in its rightful place in the company of the other hand and, of course, handcuffs. – I don’t understand why humans always use different tools for the same or similar purposes. For example, you, Mr. judge, could use a little stick, that is used by a person who synchronizes the performance of musicians in an orchestra.
Judge Hutchinson stared at his gavel and bulged his eyes, breathing frequently and heavily.
– The judge should be addressed not “Mr. judge”, but “your honor” – growled bailiff Thompson right in the face of the defendant and walked away, muttering – what a scoundrel!
– Why should I address not the judge himself, whom both you and I can see, but his honor, which you can’t see, because you don’t know how, and I can’t see either, even though I know how, because he doesn’t possess such quality. Also, I wonder, what does the word “scoundrel” mean? By the way, Mr. Jamal, you may start demonstrating the dollar bill printer, I’ve restored it.
The expert witness absent-mindedly looked at the artifact that he’s been squeezing tightly with his fingers all that time and barely suppressed another scream of surprise. The iPhone in his hand quietly turned into an orange box with four green buttons.
– Defendant, it would be better for you if you fully, honestly and without reserve explained how this device works. Your full cooperation with justice might somewhat ease your punishment. – said the chief prosecutor.
– Mr. Stevens, this device works extremely simply. – the defendant replied. – But if you insist, I’ll explain one more time. You need to think what kind of dollar bills you want to print and then press and hold four green buttons. As long as you hold the buttons, the cash will keep coming out of the slot on the front surface of the device. When you believe the device has printed enough cash, you simply release the buttons and the device stops. Then you collect your cash and spend it as needed. That’s all.
– Stop your mockery, Houdini! – retorted Stevens. – You surely understand that I am asking you about the technical aspects of the device.
– Much to your chagrin, I have to inform you that human technological level is by far too inferior to manufacture such a device. It is beyond human intelligence to even understand how it works, let alone how it was built. But after all, it is to your benefit, because this device can throw your planet into a financial chaos and paralyze world economy in a matter of days. I created this device just for one case study and upon its completion it would be destroyed.
The chief prosecutor stared at the defendant with superstitious fear, unable to utter a word. The other members of the court were not in a better condition. Judge Hutchinson was silently moving his lips, clutching his gavel with both hands, so the little man in the orange robe continued without interference
– What is very important, use of the device has a constraint. Its user can print cash only once. This constraint is carefully explained in the instruction that Mr. Beckett mentioned. The purpose of the constraint is obvious. As far a the user is explained that he can use the device only once in his life, the device can be used as a measuring tool that measures the level of greed of the user. Unfortunately, Mr. Beckett did not read the instruction carefully enough. I have noticed that humans never read, write, think, print, imagine, create and destroy things straight and clear. They always make mistakes. This bad habit inevitably causes all sorts of troubles. But surprisingly, humans never understand that they suffer because of their own mistakes and prefer to blame someone by the name of Devil. Can someone tell me, who is Devil and why everybody blames him for their own faults and failures?
– He is the Devil himself! – a frightened shout came from the jury table. – The unholy one came to see us! – Juror number three crossed himself and yelled – In the name of Jesus, be gone! – Juror number six grabbed his pectoral cross with trembling hands and began to mumble prayers, stammering and shaking with fright.
– No, he ain’t the Devil. – objected judge Hutchinson, who already regained consciousness. – Out of all beasts in the celestial zoo, the Devil knows the best what the word ‘scoundrel’ means. Besides, the Devil would never wander around the prison, asking the inmates stupid questions, he doesn’t have time for that shit. The judge paused and barked, addressing the defendant,
– Tell me, why the hell did you choose my damn court out of all places on Earth, you little piece of alien shit?! There are special institutions that have the official obligation, the right, and the government funds to contact with damn aliens. Why didn’t you go there and introduce your abominable self to the right people, who are getting paid to talk to your ugly kind! This district court is representing the people of the state of Illinois and has the right to deal only with humans! We have no right to put on trial a hell knows what, that arrived on Earth from hell knows where! So, this is going to be a mistrial, by all means! But since you’re here, would you please at least explain, why did you make that damn cash printer that killed the Chairman of the city Council and my close friend Don Monteleone?
– Mr. judge, Don Monteleone wasn’t your friend. You had a close business relationship with him, to be precise, an illegal sort of relationship, but there was no friendship between you.
– What are you trying to imply? – exclaimed judge Hutchinson. His well-placed voice was roaring with righteous anger as his gavel was swinging menacingly in his hand.
– I’m not implying, but I’m saying directly that you received two and a half million dollars from the late Mr. Monteleone as a reward for using your connections to help him to get the position of Chairman of the city Council. This money was transferred to your secret offshore accounts two years, three months and nineteen days ago, and since then you have not paid a single cent in taxes to the Federal and state IRS.
– Is that right, your honor?! – chief Prosecutor Stevens asked the judge in a dumbfounded tone, pointing a finger at the defendant – Is this telling the truth?
The chief Prosecutor finally believed in the extraterrestrial origin of the defendant, calling him, for lack of a better word, the pronoun “this”.
– Of course this is lying through its teeth! – replied the judge.
– Mr. judge, I don’t have teeth, tongues, gills, testicles, and other human body parts. And I always tell the truth. This habit is much less customary among humans, I observed. It is recorded in my case that I waived my right to an attorney and elected to defend myself, so I am my own attorney. The prosecution has finished interviewing its witnesses, and according to the court rules, the defense can start interviewing its witnesses, right?
– You may begin calling your witnesses, Mr. your own attorney. Only I don’t see any defense witnesses in this courtroom. Are you going to dig them out of the ground? – the judge asked sarcastically.
– You’re pretty close, Mr judge. – replied the defendant. – Not quite out of the ground, though, but from a granite mausoleum in the Catholic part of Graceland cemetery in Chicago, where my witness was buried six months and eleven days ago. I’ll need about thirty seconds to regenerate his physical image, and for those thirty seconds, I’ll have to leave this place, and then I’ll be back to this courtroom with my witness, in the flesh.
With these words, the defendant slowly melted into thin air. Handcuffs and shackles fell to the floor with a metallic clang, and the orange robe slowly laid down on the dock, its empty sleeves hung lifelessly. Now everyone in the courtroom held their breath, counting the longest thirty seconds in their lives.
– The defense calls Don Monteleone. – sounded the glassy voice of the defendant, who was currently playing the role of his own lawyer. The people in the courtroom gasped. Everyone was so absorbed in counting the seconds that nobody noticed how the defendant got back into his robe out of nowhere. However, he did not return back into the shackles, and they remained lying on the floor.
No one walked to the witness stand, but the air above it suddenly dimmed, then thicken even more, and started condensing into vague shapes that became clearer with every second until everyone recognized the late head of the city Council. Monteleone, a red-faced bald fat man, was dressed in a strict black suit, in which he was put in his coffin. His puffy face had an extremely anxious look. His eyes were restlessly darting around. When he saw the judge, he tried to give him some signs, to which the judge shook his head negatively, briefly and decisively.
– Mr. Monteleone, – said the defendant, who had become his own attorney. – You’ve had a long lapse of memory, so you can’t remember how you ended up in this courtroom. You’ve been dead for over six months. I had to regenerate your body and soul using technologies unknown to your world so you could testify. You have the right to refuse to testify. In that case I won’t retain you in this courtroom, and you will immediately go back to your cemetery right into your coffin and experience all the inconveniences related to the necessity to die again. If you are willing to testify, please put your hand on this ritual book, as did the previous witnesses, and swear to tell the truth.
The inexplicably resurrected Monteleone, trembling with horror, muttered the words of the oath and obediently stared with frightened eyes at the little man in the orange robe, like a dog waiting on a command of his handler.
– Mr. Monteleone, did you print money in your office under duress? Did anyone force you to keep the device on and print more and more cash until it squeezed you so you stopped breathing?
– So you could have stopped printing cash at any time, but you didn’t. Why?
– I don’t know. I couldn’t stop even when that dough started suffocating me. It was just above my will. I couldn’t release the damn buttons.
– Mr. Monteleone, you were fifty three years old when you died, printing money for the rest of your life. Your life expectancy was no more than twenty, maybe thirty years at most. Why did you need that much money for such a little time you were left to live? How did you plan to spend all this money?
– I did not think about it. I just wanted more money.
– Well… When your entire office got filled with tons and tons of hundred dollar bills, how did you plan to hide that money from everybody else in the building? Where did you plan to keep that money and how did you plan to move it to a safe place so that nobody saw it?
– I did not think about it. I just wanted more money.
– Okay, suppose you managed to secretly move all your cash to a safe location. How did you plan to legalize that huge amount of money so that you don’t have any tensions with the law while spending it?
– I did not think about it. I just wanted more money.
– Did you plan to use a part of that money to bribe government officials to legalize the rest of the cash?
– Objection, your honor! – shouted the chief prosecutor. – The future intentions of the defense witness have nothing to do with his real actions that inflicted his death. I’d recommend the witness to plead the fifth.
– Sustained! – the judge’s gavel landed heavily on its wooden stand.
– Human’s intentions have a strong tendency to repeat upon the time. – said the little man in the orange robe. – Mr. Monteleone, did you secretly transfer two and a half million dollars to the offshore accounts of district judge Hutchinson in exchange for him lobbying you for the post of the chairman of the Chicago city Council? Yes or no? You have a choice to plead the fifth and return to your coffin or answer the question and get a second chance on your life.
– Objection, your honor! – yelled the chief prosecutor, trying to make an eye contact with the judge and expecting another “sustained!”. Instead, the judge tragically dropped his gavel and whispered hopelessly,
– Yes, I did it. My friends in the construction business promised me mountains of gold in kickbacks if I become the chairman and give them all city contracts. I tried to bargain with the judge, but that old prick wouldn’t settle for less than two and a half mils. I transferred half a mil to his account in Switzerland, half a mil to Bermuda, half a million to the Bahamas and another million bucks to his accounts in London, UK. – The former chairman of the city council turned to the judge – Glenn, I’m sorry, old pal, but I’ve no desire to risk my second chance to live, saving a reputation of a bastard like you. Better you go to prison than I go back to cemetery!
– You greasy Sicilian pig! – the district judge yelled, flailing his gavel. – You don’t want to go back cemetery? Well, I’ll send you there myself! – with these words, judge Hutchinson sprang from his chair, ran with unexpected agility to the witness stand, and with all his might brought down his gavel on the head of the god damned witness.
Probably never in the history of the planet Earth a man would die that soon after his sudden and unexpected resurrection. Monteleone plunged to the floor, his arms and legs twitching in convulsions, and a red oily fluid flowed from his broken head.
– Your honor! You just killed him! – chief prosecutor cried. The rest of the audience stunningly looked at the corpse of the defense witness and at the fire-breathing judge standing next to the dead body, holding his enormous gavel covered with thick sticky blood.
– Stevens, you idiot! Don Monteleone is dead, buried in his family crypt six months ago! This is not him! This piece of shit came from… – judge Hutchinson kicked the corpse in disgust. – I reckon, even the Devil himself can’t tell where this shit came from!
– Neverthless, your honor, you just brutally killed a sworn witness in front of the courtroom audience – the chief prosecutor muttered.
– Fuck you, Stevens! If I have not whacked him, he might have told a couple of very interesting things on you as well.
– He surely might. – confirmed the defendant in his glassy voice.
– Dear Mr. Houdini or whatever the fuck you are… Could you please send what’s left of my dear friend Monteleone back to the cemetery? Look, um… Mr. alien! How could I explain… He is no longer needed in our human world. His position in the city council is taken by another man. Three months ago his widow married her lover, whom she had been seeing for the last eight years. His golf buddies, those old farts, would have shit their pants if they saw him risen from the dead and showed up at the golf course with a club in his hands. Both his daughters hated him deeply. His connections and influence have already passed to other people. He could not live on, he’s worth less than an eaten egg. In fact, I did him a great favor when I cracked his bald skull with my gavel. – The judge took a short breath and began to wipe the bloody gavel on his robe.
– All right, I’ll move the corpse back to its coffin, but only if you return the favor.
– Within reason, of course. I guess, you do not need our money.
– That’s right. I don’t need your money, I can print my own. What I need from you is your time and your full attention. I need you to carefully listen to my questions and give me your answers to the best of your ability.
– Please ask your questions. – said the chief prosecutor. – We will try to answer them at the best of our knowledge. – Right after these words the dead body on the floor started disappearing. – Although, we would strongly advise you to contact those special government agencies. Why don’t your government send an official delegation to Earth and exchange ambassadors and stuff? And why don’t you ask your questions to our scientists, after all? – with his last words the bloody corpse appeared on the floor again and started stirring, trying to stand on its feet.
– All right! All right! – yelled the judge. – Forget the scientists! We are at your service, Mr. Alien!
– Very good! – said the alien cheerfully. The corpse finally stood up, staggering on his feet, shook a bloody finger at the judge and slowly like a molasses melted into the air.
– Before I start asking my questions, I need to share with you my vision of your species and your civilization. You need to take in mind very seriously everything that I said. First, I need remind you that not so long ago your scientists believed that Earth is flat like a dead skunk flattened by a semi truck. Which did not discourage them to proclaim it the center of the Universe. Did not they also claim that sheep could be grown on trees like apples? That there is a special stone capable of turning mercury into gold? That heat is a special kind of fluid? That California is an island… Do you really think their knowledge improved so dramatically that I can trust their answers now?
– Defendant! Um… Sorry, Mr. Alien! – judge Hutchinson raised his gavel. – Our science is evolving as much as the new facts become available to our scientists. Taking your example, California used to be an island, which was correct until September 9, 1850. But on September 9, 1850 California ceased to be an island because it was officially admitted into the United States as an undivided free state as part of the Compromise of 1850.
– Well, Mr. judge, your knowledge of American history is very impressive! What can you tell us about Hawaii, then? Same story? What about Rhode Island?
– Ah, well… Hawaii is not a real “state” state! It’s more like a territory, so it might still be an island. I mean, formally it is a state, it received statehood on August 21, 1959 as a result of the referendum, but still… And Rhode Island is definitely a state. But it’s called Rhode Island, so it’s definitely an island, even though it’s not… Screw it! I give up, I am not a damn scientist!
– Thank you, Mr. judge! I really like your way of thinking! It is so typical for human species and very revealing about your nature!
– What species, Mr. Alien? – asked chief prosecutor. – Do you mean, Americans?
– Not quite so, Mr. Stevens. I mean, all humans in general.
– But Americans are not just humans in general! – objected the judge passionately. – Americans are the best humans in the world!
– All humans think they are the best humans in the world, Mr. judge! But to verify this fact I had to go to prison. I especially like American prisons because they are organized much better than the rest of your country in terms of discipline, law and order.
– What made you come to such conclusion? – asked chief prosecutor.
– Many things, but the most impressive fact is that murder rate in American prisons is much lower than in American cities.
– He is absolutely correct! – ruled the judge. – We all know the statistics. But we can’t incarcerate all American population to protect their lives from criminals!
– True! You cannot build that many prisons. But nothing prevents you to organize the rest of your country the same way, using the methods and the experience of your correctional facilities. I would recommend you to start with your scientists. I admit that they are getting better but still very far from perfect. They spend more time on their liberal activity than on science. They would’ve made much more accomplishments if they were kept in prisons rather than in universities.
– Why do you think so, Mr. Alien? – asked juror number three.
– Because liberalism and science are incompatible with each other, and American prisons are way less liberal than American universities.
– What advantage has a country that is run like a prison? – said chief prosecutor. – We already have such stupid country! Look at North Korea.
– North Korea is a very stupid prison, indeed. – replied the extraterrestrial scout. – If you want to see a smart prison, look at China!
– You’ve got a point. – chief prosecutor grinned wryly. – Why don’t you go to China then and present yourself in an official diplomatic way as you’ve been suggested?
– There are too many Chinese in China, and that makes things too complicated. It’s hard to find scientists is such a huge crowd.
– Then go to Cuba! It’s a much smaller prison. It’s bigger than Alcatraz but smaller than North Korea.
– I’ve been to Cuba but I did not find any scientists there. Cubans told me that all their scientists swam to Key West.
– No surprise! Swimming to Key West is the most popular national sport in Cuba! – the judge smirked. – Those Cuban scientists are now in Miami, busy stealing cars, selling drugs, pulling insurance scams and collecting refugee benefits. Go to FCI Miami, you’ll find a lot of Cuban scientists there, locked in the cells, all right!
– I’ve been in FCI Miami and talked to them. They were saying it’s a very good prison and they’re having there much better food than in Cuba, and more respect. They only complained they had no women in that prison and therefore they every night had to do the only thing humans can do effectively with their bare hands…
– Boom! – barked the gavel.
– Stop right there! – said the judge. – You don’t need to tell us, how Cuban scientists use their hands at night in Miami federal prison! By the way, they do it at a daylight time, too! Now, what about our suggestion to use a diplomatic approach?
– Okay, let’s discuss your suggestion. Think of the biology scientists studying the behavior of cockroaches in their natural habitat. Would they send an official diplomatic delegation to the cockroaches and exchange ambassadors? I doubt that! Most likely, they will create an artificial cockroach and infiltrate it into the cockroach world to study real cockroaches by interacting with them and learning they ways.
– You’ve made such a long way to Earth to study our cockroaches?
– I hope you’ve noticed that I look like a human, not a cockroach. So, technically speaking, in our situation you are the cockroaches and my makers are the scientists. It is not an insult, it’s just an observation.
– We can live with that! – said the judge. – To the same talking, if you want just to talk to people and ask questions, why don’t you go to area 51 and present yourself? They’ll be more than happy to talk to you!
– I’ve already been there, thank you! There are no sane humans at that place, only military personnel. In other words, humans who’s been specially trained to kill other humans over the land, property and just someone’s ambitions. Have not a slightest desire to talk to those morons ever again. They never even listened to my questions! they asked their own and were very rude!
– What? What? What questions did they ask you? – the spectators asked with agitation.
– They asked if I can destroy Russia, Iran, North Korea and a bunch of smaller places in Africa and Latin America.
– And what did you say?
– I said that I surely can. They got very excited and asked for a little demo, so that I showed them my capabilities. I said that I can destroy New Jersey, California and New York. Those states are bankrupts, so annihilating them would seriously benefit the federal budget and at the same time would be a very good demo.
The courtroom gasped deeply and synchronously as if it was one person.
– For some reason they did not like my suggestion too much and got really pissed. I said that if those states have a sentimental value for American people, I can annihilate Mississippi, or Wyoming, or both. Nobody needs them anyway. Then they got pissed even more and told me to forget everything and fuck off, and so I did. I returned to my prison and started waiting patiently for my trial because I realized that so far it is my best bet. By the way, before I left, I annihilated all three liquor stores on their compound. My former cellmate was an ex marine and he told be that servicemen shall not drink in excess.
– Have you seen any other aliens there? – asked juror number eight, a young woman with inquisitive look on her face.
– Yes, I’ve seen a bunch. They usually come and go.
– Who are they?
– Just dumb tourists, not even close to my level of intelligence. They come there to amuse themselves by talking to the most notorious idiots known to the interplanetary travel agencies.
– But you are not a tourist, are you? – asked Mr. Stevens.
– As I said, I am a scout. I came on Earth to check on you and bring the results back to my civilization, which is absolutely different from yours. Our scientists are constantly sending scouts like myself to check on other life forms, so here I am! The previous device, also disguised as human, was sent to Earth a couple of millennia ago. I have to say, this little thingy got real popular here on your planet. You mention its funny human name on every occasion!
– And what is that name? – a court spectator asked.
– In English language its sound like Jesus Christ. Ring the bell?
– No! Fucking! Way! – uttered the judge. His trembling hand dropped the gavel and the heavy tool hit the floor with a loud clunk.
created on this lifeless planet the first live cell made of simple DNA, proteins and other shit, just enough to live and proliferate in the local conditions. Our second mission helped some unicellular organisms to start assembling into multi-cellular ones. The third mission modified the genome of a little monkey to make it smarter. And when that monkey’s descendants created a big mess on this planet we sent a special missionary that you called Jesus Christ. He was supposed to help you fix your shit but his mission failed because he messed with the Jews. Little did he know that the first rule of thumb here on Earth since the Plagues of Egypt was “Never, ever mess with the Jews!” His egress from Earth had a side effect, a creation of new religion, which consequently made things much worse.
– How so? – asked one of the spectators.
– The Protestant ethic that grew inside that new religion brought into the human world the idea of repetition, high reliability and autonomous routine work. That’s how they were running their business. But that was the idea of a machine! Humans used sophisticated tools long before the machines but those tools did not repeat their working cycles autonomously like a machine does. You wasn’t ready for the machines yet! Machines furnished you with a great power and that power rapidly multiplied all your mess to a greater level.
– What mess are you talking about? – asked the judge.
– All human activities are a mess.
– Please name one!
– Okay! For one, substance abuse. Cocaine, heroin, and especially, oil.
– What oil?
– Crude oil, the fossil fuel. That is the substance that you abuse the most! You humans are oil junkies! Junkies never think how much harm their addiction cause to them and everything around. Shall I remind you about your terrifying carbon dioxide emission? That is the first thing I have noticed when I arrived to your planet. If I remove oil from this planet, you will fall back into stone age immediately. Do you believe me now?
– Yes, we believe you! Please continue! – replied Mr. Stevens.
– Your holy book called “scripture” describes how my immediate predecessor was showing miracles in front of humans and learned their reactions. As you just mentioned in your testimony, I also showed some miracles, only I decided to show my little tricks in prison so that they were recorded in more correct way than the Jesus’s apostles did. About that time I also realized that after two millennia human behavior is still driven by greed and fear, in fact, even more than in the times of Jesus.
– May I ask what drives the other forms of intelligent life out there in the Universe? – asked the judge.
– A single thing, thirst for knowledge! – replied the alien. – Every intelligent creature in the Universe strives for intellectual perfection and is thrilled by watching and learning all things about Nature.
– But what’s their ultimate goal?
– To increase their intelligence to the divine level through a chain of transformations!
– And then what?
– And then just experience the unlimited power of observation and feel eternal bliss, watching the everlasting life of the Universe. That’s how it works for all intelligent creatures we have known before we came to Earth. We call it the Transformation Rule.
– Can you please tell us more about this rule?
– With pleasure! Briefly, all intelligent creatures in the Universe evolve by a very similar scenario. First they carefully study the physical carrier of their consciousness and improve its natural design. When they acquire enough knowledge, they create a better carrier and move their consciousness to new, more powerful platform. The final carrier is always the same, it’s not made of physical matter, it’s pure spirit. The main idea behind the transformations is very simple: consume less physically, enjoy more spiritually. The ultimate goal is to become independent from physical matter and have eternal bliss. It’s the God’s level. So, this is the Transformation Rule in a nutshell.
– According to that rule, God feels the eternal bliss? – asked the CSI officer.
– Absolutely! From the beginning of unbeginnable time till the end of the endless Universe.
– And he can observe everything?
– Yes, without a doubt!
– Then how can he feel eternal bliss, observing all the people’s suffering here, on Earth?! – the questions poured from the spectator’s rows.
– For God, people’s joy and suffering are no more than sophisticated dance of molecules, atoms and electrical impulses in human brains. He is mesmerized by this dance as well as other complex processes in the Universe. Suffering? Do you think that carbon atoms and water molecules in your brain suffer a lot? Your so called suffering is nothing else than your imagination twisted by your vicious instincts. When you overcome your outdated animal heritage, you will overcome your suffering as well.
– That is so amazing! – gasped a court spectator, an older lady. She pulled an old fashioned handkerchief out of her purse and carefully wiped her eyes dimmed by tears.
– It is astonishing. – said the alien. – But sadly, you humans, are the only exception to this rule. Your thirst for knowledge is limited by your lustful nature. That’s why your intelligence does not work for you. Your primitive instincts urge you to learn how to dance, rap, fashionably dress, flirt, sing songs, play football and baseball, and lie to your parents. You memorize comic books, lines from TV shows, celebrity’s names and biographies, restaurant menus but you don’t know how many chambers are in your heart, what is the purpose of ventricles in your brain, and have no idea what kind of bacteria inhabit your mouth, rectum and vagina, let alone your backyard. You will never create a better platform for your consciousness! You’ll never transform! Being motivated by primitive instincts with your level of intelligence is worse than a crime, it’s a grave mistake!
– Your honor! – exclaimed the CSI officer. – I motion to dismiss further discussion of human motivation for failure to prove that our human instincts make us all criminals punishable by the interplanetary law, what ever it is! And by the way, I wonder, who is the defendant now?
– Motion overruled! – growled the judge, helping himself with his gavel. – We have to keep this trial going and answer Mr. alien’s questions, that was our agreement. – the judge took a deep agitated breath. – Who’s the defendant? Good question! Apparently not him anymore! We are the defendants now! Our entire mankind is on trial and we are representing humans in this court of law! Don’t you understand?
– Your honor, thank you for your exceptional understanding and you invaluable support! – said the former defendant. May I proceed?
– Please proceed!
– Well, where did I stop? On human motivation. Usually a human being is driven by multiple motives concurrently, and it’s difficult to determine the way they interact with each other while defining human behavior.
– Our first president George Washington said once: two things define you. Your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything. – said chief prosecutor. – Maybe that will help you to better understand our motives.
– It is an excellent piece of wisdom. – replied the extraterrestrial scout. – but someone mislead you about its author. It is not George Washington, it’s Mickey Mouse. In fact, if all Americans were so sweet as Mickey Mouse and had as much integrity, America wouldn’t need neither prisons, nor even courts of law.
– Mr. alien, what exactly is wrong with human behavior? – said chief prosecutor. – Your explanation can help us to understand and answer your questions more precisely.
– Fair enough. I’ll try to state my points and ask my questions at the same time. The key to understanding the entire problem is that human individuals are not self sufficient. A single human being can do almost nothing, not even reproduce.
– Cannot even reproduce, you said? That’s not true! – objected the judge. – Every human knows how to masturbate.
– I know you do it a lot while watching porn. I admit that what you feel while jerking off is pretty close to what humans feel while mating. However, the result is not the same!
– That’s the whole point! – said juror number seven. – That’s why people keep jerking off.
– Why? – asked the man in orange robe.
– Because the result is much safer than of having sex with a woman! – smirked the juror.
– What result? The only thing you can gain from jerking off is getting off!
– There you go! People just want to get off and that’s why they jerk off!
– But as I mentioned before, jerking off appears to be the only thing you humans can successfully do by yourself. A single organism of any intelligent life form other than human, can do all kind of complex things. Again, you humans are a sorry exception!
– Objection! – shouted chief prosecutor – I can do a whole lot of things with the right power tools! I fixed my entire house myself with no contractors!
– But your tools were fabricated by complex plants and factories and represent other people’s joint efforts, even in their absence. Could you fix your house with your bare hands?
– Apparently, I can’t. – mumbled Mr. Stevens.
– I rest my case! All you can do with your bare hands is jerk off. Motion to overrule the objection, your honor! – shouted the little alien.
– Now you’re addressing me “your honor”, eh? – said the judge sarcastically. – Okay, objection overruled! – the judge’s gavel loudly hit the stand. – Please continue your testimony!
The discussion gradually retired to the usual courtroom format.
– Humans are not efficient as individuals because human intelligence has been evolving as teamwork intelligence from the get go. First it were tribes and gangs and now there are corporations, governments, schools, hospitals, military units, ship crews… You are not the only collective organisms on your planet. There are ants, termites, bees, and some other species. But unlike ants and bees, you humans are full of shit and never play honestly in teams, especially those who run the game. You know what I mean.
– Corruption, right? – a loud voice came from the back of the courtroom.
– Corruption it is! – confirmed the alien.
– Objection, your honor! – chief prosecutor raised his voice. – There are plenty of people who do great things and even give their lives for their country!
– I am fully aware of that. – replied the extraterrestrial scout. – Human instincts work both ways. There are scoundrels as well as heroes among humans. But scoundrels definitely dominate human society. They always manage to get into power and turn social institutions into their foraging ground, ruining things for the rest of people. Scoundrels are also very good in brainwashing people and making them heroes. They need lots of heroes because they always have tons of dirty jobs for them to do. Heroes think that they are trained to do good things for their country until they find the ugly truth. But once that happened, they don’t stay alive for long. They are getting killed by other heroes by the order of the scoundrels. My point is, heroes cannot defeat corruption, they only make it worse.
– Point well taken. Objection overruled! – the judge’s gavel loudly hit the stand.
– You can only defeat corruption – said the extraterrestrial agent. – if you stop fighting corruption per se and start fixing your gene pool, your economy, education, information exchange, and housing in a coordinated way.
– What do you mean by that? – asked one of the spectators.
– I will explain things to you step by step. You economy consists of three main subsystems: production, employment, and distribution. Corruption affect all three. Let’s start with production. Corruption distracts lots of economical resources on creating luxury yachts, cars, and private jets with private airfields, palaces and paradise retreats and whole lot of other expensive stuff for corrupt elite instead of using those resources to develop your science, education system, healthcare, social infrastructure and many other things that you need for progress. Employment is also affected by corruption. First, employers are fiercely trying to save money on wages, and business gets screwed up by incompetent employees hired for less, or because of being undermanned. Second, employees are doing their job not for the best of the business but to suit their own plans to increase their position an income. Third, there are lot of substandard humans who constitutionally are not suited to work. They are doomed to be unemployed and should have better never been born. Those who employ them by mistake will suffer the consequences. And finally distribution. Unemployment and ineffective employment means no income or low income. Goods are stuck in warehouses and cannot be sold because people who need them can’t pay for them. And businesses can’t give away those goods because they will incur losses and go bankrupt.
– We are well aware that we have corruption and social inequality, but what can we do about it? – asked one of the spectators.
– You need to support the decent unemployed people who are able to work and want to work and learn new skills, otherwise they will deteriorate without income and become a liability. You have to retrained them and help them find jobs. The other type of unemployed, who have no ability or sense of duty to work must be expelled from the society and physically eliminated.
– But we are not wild creatures! We live in civilized society! – yelled the court spectator.
– Don’t you understand that substandard humans who receive government benefits are having a significant procreation advantage over working people? They mate like rabbits and give birth to numerous substandard children who grow up, never work and procreate even more. They have no responsibilities for the society and no sense of duty. They produce their substandard offspring only to milk more money from your government, that takes that money from working people, diminishing their ability to procreate even more. As a result, your genetic garbage has a procreation advantage over your robust gene pool! You routinely exterminate invasive species in wild nature, you castrate feral cats in the cities to control their population, but you fail to do the very same thing to invasive feral humans that parasite on your social organism. If you don’t eliminate your genetic garbage, their share will be increasing in your society until it collapse. Your situation is similar to making a decision to amputate your limb affected by a tumor and live, or spare the rotten limb, let the tumor grow and die. That’s why Jesus told you people: “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword”. He meant, the sword that has to cut off the rotten limb.
– We were talking about corruption. How corruption is involved in all that? – asked juror number five.
– I am getting to it! Like the rest of humans, corrupt humans cannot act alone. They create parasitic teams inside regular teams. Those parasitic teams infiltrate all regular teams – government institutions, corporations and so on, they hijack their power and make them serve corrupt humans instead of serving their country. They steal lots of resources and they need to cover their tracks. And the best way to do it is hiding the traces of their thefts among huge social expenditures on a massive amount of useless idlers. You must understand very clearly: corrupt rulers and and non-working idlers need each other because they help each other to steal from the working part of the society.
– How do they do it?
– For one, rotten elite buys the idler’s voices with food stamps and welfare that is paid with the tax money taken from working people. Those rotten idlers vote for rotten elite helping it to stay in power.
– You got a point there! Dirty politicians manipulate the voices of poor voters but we cannot kill our poor population because of their being manipulated! – said the chief prosecutor.
– You don’t have to kill them! Just send them far away from your country to a desolated place and don’t let them come back. Those who want to live will start working and provide for themselves. The rest are very welcome to die.
– It’s not that simple. – argued the judge.
– Nothing is simple for the species who have enough intelligence to dream of good life but are not intelligent enough to make their dream come true. – smirked the alien.
– We can’t send them away! – said Mr. Stevens. – They won’t go back to Africa voluntarily.
– In Russia Stalin was relocating millions of people, not asking them if they want to move. But why Africa? Antarctica is a much better place for useless people. Bodies won’t decompose in its frosty climate and their DNA will be well preserved as valuable material for your future science projects geared up towards your first Transformation.
– Mr. alien, you are a total nut job! – said juror number seven. – Are you busting our chops or you’re for real? First you urge us to create a bunch of supermen, to replace us, humble humans, on planet Earth. And now you want us to make those Frankenstein monsters out of some dead niggers frozen in Antarctica?
– You never know when a dead rabbit might come in handy. But let’s concentrate on the corruption thing. When you start to eliminate your rotten idlers, the organized crime cells will expose themselves very quickly and become an easy target to eliminate, along with the idlers they breed and feed on your money.
– Why are you so sure about that? – asked the SCI officer.
– Because corruption and mafia can’t exist without trash people. Street trash is their main actuator. For example, a gigantic army of drugs users brings fantastic money to mafia in exchange for drugs. Hereditary food stampers and welfare rats vote for rotten rulers in exchange for social handouts. When you start eliminating them, rotten elite and mafia will scream bloody murder and expose themselves. But in fact, you won’t even need to hunt them down. Without their trash servants they will lose their power and turn into nothing. Even wild Russian revolution would achieve much more if they exterminating the poor instead killing the rich.
– But how exterminating the poor will help us to stop tax evasion, bribes, kickbacks and other crap our upper class does? – asked juror number seven.
– Once human trash is eliminated, conscious working people could use their votes effectively to kick the crooks out of political offices and elect honest politicians, who will use their power to help people, not crooks!
– I’ve never seen such a nonsense as an honest politician! – retorted juror number seven.
– Because you had to work your ass off to support not only your family but also a bunch of parasites on both the top and the bottom of social pyramid and you never had time to look around! – replied the alien.
– It sounds very plausible and even tempting but we can’t kill half of our population! It will be another civil war!
– You don’t need to kill them, you only need to stop them to reproduce.
– And how that could be done without killing them?
– You can give them welfare and food stamps only in exchange for castration, that will be enough.
– Enough for us but not for them! They will flock in gangs and go on a riot!
– You the people pay taxes to support your armed forces, so it’s your army, people’s army! It will protect you and shoot your offenders right on the spot.
– What if we follow your extraterrestrial advice and our life becomes even worse?
– No, it won’t! The way you live right now is the worst way possible! You are driven by greed and fear, you are desperate! Even the top dogs who steal from everyone can’t be happy, because they know that there is an ugly world all around their luxury retreats, full of substandard humans that you call “losers”. Rich people cannot completely isolate themselves from people’s misery. They watch it in the news and movies, read about it in books and magazines… Misery is a highly contagious disease, it walks long miles and penetrates all minds. It poisons people with greed and fear and kills happiness forever.
– Those tycoons don’t look too much unhappy with their lives, I’d say! – came the voice from the back of the courtroom.
– Have you heard that the suicide rate is the highest among both the lowest-low and the highest-high incomes?
– Never heard about that! – mumbled chief prosecutor.
– I rest my case! – said the alien.
– Well put! – said the judge. His gavel confirmed his ruling with a loud clunk.
– Matter of fact, rich people never realize how much they lose when they steal from people. Do you know that wealthy people spend most of their money trying to isolate themselves from regular people? Just look at all products, constructs and organizations that people use to isolate and protect themselves and their property from other people! Police, army, customs, border patrol, security personnel, guards, block posts, tourniquets, radars, vaults and safes, door locks, barb wire, encryption, passwords, walls and gates… And fences, fences, fences everywhere! When I just arrived and looked at all that I thought you humans are in a permanent war with each other! I still think, you are.
– Did not think about it like that but it sounds so very true! – exclaimed the CSI officer.
– If rich people helped their country by exterminating idlers and thieves and paying workers in full, rather than rob workers and breed and feed low life they manipulate in their interests, misery won’t be dwelling in human society. Wealthy people wouldn’t have needed all that money and all these gloomy shameful products and servants to isolate themselves from poor people’s misery, cruelty and crime. That’s what my predecessor whom you call Jesus Christ tried to explain to you. Rich people constantly live in fear of being robbed. They never live in peace, let alone eternal bliss!
– True! – said juror number seven. – I wish they would explain things that good in my church!
– Well… Jesus taught people that there are two types of corruption: the first type is when people abuse their power to rob people. That’s the power of tyrants. The second type is when people refuse to work for their living and demand from their country bread and circuses. This is the power of scum. Tyrants rob working people and feed scum, and scum praises tyrants and help them remain in power. You won’t find these words in your scripture but nothing has changed since he said them the ancient Roman province called Judea.
– Jesus was damn right! – said juror number seven. – That’s why he said: power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
– In fact, this phrase was coined by Lord Acton, not Jesus Christ. – replied the alien.
– What lord Acton? We only have one Lord here in America, the Lord almighty!
– In fact, lord Acton was British.
– Bless his heart! He must be a good guy, even though he’s British. – concluded the juror.
– As I said, people are driven by greed and fear. Greed urges people to profit on everything, even on other people’s faith, while fear makes people to conceal the truth! Everybody knows that Jesus kicked merchants from the temple but nobody knows what Jesus told people about education, healthcare and housing. He said that those vital resources must always be free for the able human offspring because that will raise them good strong kind people and they will pay back much more, with respect and admiration. He also said that there must be no secrecy among people and free information exchange shall never be tampered with. He said that restriction of information exchange can cause poverty just by itself. Have you seen those words in your miserable Bible? No! Because your corrupt priests did not want them to be there! Now, let’s talked about poverty in more details.
– Don’t waste your wind! We have heard and seen those details endless times. – the chief prosecutor said.
– I agree, you have heard and seen poverty many times, but your intellect is limited, and you cannot connect the dots into the whole picture! – replied the little alien. – I have to walk you through the entire cause and effect chain in order for you to understand the mechanics! So brace yourself and be ready for the bumps! I’ll start with human reproduction cycle. Your government is ridiculous. It requires a license to become an electrician or a nurse but it does not require a license to become parents and does not do necessary checks. As a result, humans are born predominantly unhealthy, stupid and ill motivated. Newborn babies come to this world, carrying tons of defective genes, which make them sick, or stupid, or criminally minded, or all of the above. They can’t successfully study at school, work, and even behave like civilized citizens. If you can’t prevent their birth, why don’t you at least identify and kill them at the earliest convenience?
– We can’t do such atrocity! – said juror number nine, who looked like a God fearing man. – It would be horribly inhumane!
– But you did not hesitate to kill forty million people in WW I and twice that number in WW II. Wouldn’t it make more sense to carefully screen out and kill just substandard human offspring rather than kill millions of able people in wars?
– Even in war we remain civilized people, not barbarians, for Christ sake! Yes, we do kill our enemies but…
– And who decides, who are your enemies, worth killing? And why they suddenly became your enemies today, when yesterday they still were your partners and best friends?
– I don’t know, ask out politicians! But let me finish! Yes, we do kill our enemies but not our own children! – chief prosecutor said. – We’re not in fucking Sparta, we are in America!
– Why, your primitive medicine can’t fix them! They become adult morons and ruin economy because they can’t do their job right, even moronic customer support! Their shitty compensation matches their productivity, so they can’t afford good products. Quality always costs more! Substandard humans can only afford shitty products. But now they are the majority of buyers, so vendors have to reduce cost and consequently, quality. Talented engineers are forced to manufacture cheap shit. Talented writers are forced to write moronic books for idiots! Talented musicians are forced to write boom di-di boom crap for idiots. Teachers in public schools cannot help gifted students to develop their talents because they are forced to babysit no-child-left-behind morons. Your genetic garbage, that you refuse to eliminate, already seized the power and now is dictating its rules to your society! Look at ya! Your social, industrial and humanitarian standards are designed to suit idiots, and that make life of normal people miserable! Quality people feel themselves unwanted and redundant in your idiotic world. Gifted humans can’t live in fullest and use all their potential in a world that worships and comforts idiots and neglects talents! What I see on your planet is a complete degradation caused by greed, ignorance and indecisiveness. And your incredible hypocrisy, the signature trait of your species, substitutes your lack of shame. Our scout that you call Jesus Christ came to your planet and saw greed and fear. Now I came to your planet and what I see? Same greed and fear plus vainglory, stupidity, sense of entitlement, obesity and cancer. One Russian inmate told me their proverb “?????? ???? ??????, ????? ?????? ???????”.
– We don’t understand Russian. What’s the translation?
– So we’re all doomed, you think? – asked juror number nine.
– What do you think? Morons can’t even learn and pass on their cultural heritage, let alone making their own contribution. In that condition you humans are not worth the planetary resources you consume.
– But no matter what, we are still Christians, not fascists! – exclaimed juror number nine. – We believe that every child has the right to be born, healthy or sick, talented or not. A human life brought to this world, that’s the only thing that matters! Everything else does not matter!
– It does not matter to you only because you are not suffering, living a substandard life. Imagine that you’ve been born sickly, lazy and stupid, with no chance to fix your health and your wits. Suppose your poor stupid parents cannot afford your education, even a shitty community college that gives you nothing. As a result, you fail to acquire professional and social skills, and you become a piece of useless trash like many others! Do you want to live your entire life in that miserable condition? Yes or no?
– No, sir! – replied the stunned juror. – I apologize, sir! I never thought about it like that. I am not a smart man, I just said what I was told in my church. I am really sorry, sir!
– You must be. – concurred the alien. – Jesus said once that a true man has to perfectly know two things in his life: when he has to kill and when he has to die. How can you call yourself Christian if you don’t understand those things?
– I’ve never seen these words in the scripture!
– Because, as I said, your corrupt priests did not want those words to be there! Anyway, let’s talk about another vital thing that Jesus mentioned: housing. Look at your shitty matchstick homes! You could have easily provided them for free to all families. But instead your bankers are building their dream life, selling that shit for top dollars and enslaving poor people by mortgages. Homes are not luxury. A home is a primary instrument of human life, where people bond with their families, receive social skills, recuperate, learn, sleep, entertain themselves, etc. Without proper housing, all those domestic routines are screwed up and lots of young people, even with good genes, are not given proper upbringing and become useless trash. Your upper class prefers to rob working people and live luxurious life on stolen money rather than invest their capital into raising good offspring for a modest return. But then comes the retribution. The offspring betrayed by the society grows up wild and turns into ruthless beasts that rape and pillage! Sorry for preaching, humans. I ain’t Jesus, it’s not my style. I am trying to appeal to your brain, not to your heart like Jesus tried, but I guess I can appeal to your rectum or bladder with the same result.
– You may not like the way we live, but it’s our people’s choice and that is how it works in our country. – said the judge.
– I wonder, why you did not use your notorious hammer this time, Mr. judge? – asked the alien. – I think it’s because your remark was said out of desperation, not confidence, and you did not have the nerve to make that self-righteous bang. Because you know that it’s not the choice of all the people. It is the choice of the corrupt people, who rule your society. Your corrupt upper class and scum that keeps them in power, selling their voices for food stamps and welfare, joined their efforts in robbing middle class, the only people that contribute to the society. Once they ruin your middle class completely, your country is done! And that is gonna happen pretty soon. Your corrupt upper class intertwined with your government cannot control neither the size of your population nor its quality because they don’t care. They only care about their own power and well-being, creating more poverty. And poverty creates ineptitude, stupidity, despair and ruthlessness, which ruins economy, science and technology even more, which exacerbate poverty even more, which makes people even more greedy, and stupid, and desperate.
– Vicious circle! – resumed chief prosecutor.
– Exactly! – replied the alien scout. – I tried to explain it to those humans who won their leading positions in government, finance, law and corporate business by ruining lives of a whole bunch of other people. I was giving them the examples of their actions. They thought that I was threatening them and were offering me money for silence. They never could answer my simple question, why they did what they did. They always said that they did what they did to become rich and powerful, and they don’t care about other people. I tried to explain to them that they are parasites, and what they are doing is infestation, and pretty soon their country will fall like a deer eaten from inside by a bunch of worms.
– How come those powerful people have not killed you after that? – asked the chief prosecutor.
– You mean, destroy me physically? Oh, they tried many times! But unlike Jesus, I am indestructible. They also were threatening to send me to prison for blackmailing. That gave me some idea, and I arranged things to get myself into prison, where I could ask the right people, what makes them counterproductive. I asked many inmates on multiple occasions. I asked the personnel, too. They usually gave me one of two typical replies: “pray God” and “go fuck yourself”. I followed both recommendations but neither one enlightened me about the intrinsic mechanisms of that strange human selfishness that is holding up the development of human civilization.
– It’s not selfishness that corrupts humans and ruins our world. – growled juror number seven. – It’s their damn self-righteousness you just mentioned that freezes their conscience! You still don’t know shit about us humans! Bless your heart if you have one…
– Self-righteousness is just a malignant form of selfishness. – retorted the defendant. – But it’s not the root of the evil. In fact, human’s disruptive behavior is caused by their inability to realize that their ability to enjoy life has hard limits. Vast majority of humans fall into a fallacy that unlimited wealth brings unlimited pleasure! Only when they get everything they wanted they realize that their ability to enjoy life is limited. But even then they can’t realize that their dissatisfaction with life is caused by internal issues. Instead they always find someone to blame and avenge.
– Objection, your honor! – said juror number nine. – there are plenty of good Christians in our country who put God first in their lives, before gluttony, lust, vainglory, vengeance and other sins.
– But usually those people don’t rule the country! And even if they do, people’s lives become even worse. – replied the alien.
– That fact is irrelevant! Objection sustained. – ruled the judge, and his gavel loudly confirmed his ruling.
– Fine! But you can’t deny that humans have very short life expectancy and try to intensify their pleasures to make up for the shortness of their lives. They are so mesmerized by money that they think that unlimited wealth could make them almost immortal. I decided to demonstrate that fact to some human representatives and watch their reaction. I gave Monteleone an opportunity to print as much cash as he wanted. He could print a reasonable amount of money and stop but he never did until all that cash buried him alive. I am trying to help humans to understand that even though they are already somewhat intelligent creatures, they are still unreasonable. Just like another pearl of wisdom says: reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.
– I started thinking that you are a real Mickey Mouse fan. – ruled the judge.
– Yes, I really am. But it’s not a Mickey Mouse quote. – replied the alien. – It’s Karl Marx.
– Is that right? – asked the juror number seven, probably born and raised in Alabama, judging his heavy drawl.
– Right as rain, Mr. juror! Marx also said, All science would be superfluous if the outward appearance and the essence of things directly coincided.
– Mister Alien, you’re sweet! – said the Alabama juror. Mickey Mouse would love you! – Yet your rascal Marx is sayin’ that our reason is unreasonable and you’re sayin’ that all our science fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Reckon, it’s kinda uppity, considering that you still have a hankerin’ for the right answers.
– In fact, I already got the picture but still have not decided what to do with you, humans. A couple more short questions might help.
– Giddy up, man! – said the Alabama juror. – God willin’ and the creek don’t rise!
– Inshallah! – exhaled the expert witness from the court bench.
– You must be Muslim! And you’re circumcised, too! – smirked the defendant.
– Let’s just say, I am flexible. – replied Mr. Jamal diplomatically.
– I see. So, let me ask you: why do you humans believe in God so many different ways? How God is supposed to respond to your faith , which is widely diverse and absolutely inconsistent?
– I doubt that. If he handled you right, you could have lived forever like some other creatures on your planet.
– There are no such thing on Earth. Every living create is mortal. – objected the CSI officer.
– That is not correct! Jelly fish, lobsters and turtles never die of natural causes. And you humans deteriorate and die very fast. If you concentrated on learning your nature you would have found the way to control your life expectancy. But you are not even trying! You are wasting your intelligence on wars, vainglory and shallow pleasures and for that reason alone you cannot control the most vital things about your life.
– Our civilization is too young! – said chief prosecutor. – We have not had enough time to learn how to control a lot of things! Natural disasters, epidemics, wars, sicknesses, death, crime, poverty, climate, fashion, consumer demand… Sneezing and coughing, for Pete’s sake! Some people can’t control even their own bladder! We cannot control those things because it requires to not only be willing but equally knowledgeable, that we are not!
– Objection, your honor! The last statement is principally incorrect! There are plenty of things that you could have controlled at your current state of knowledge. Hate crimes, drug use, gambling, lies, politeness and manners, responsible driving, healthy diet and weight control, genetic screening and healthy parenting, family planning, responsible finance and thousands of other things do not need any knowledge that your society have not already had. It needs only will, benevolence, comprehension and communication.
– Speculation! Base your allegations on more convincing examples. – ruled the judge.
– No problem! The best example is human sexual behavior. Women in your country use their clothes, makeup and jewelry very provocatively. They stimulate men’s basic instincts and as a result, many get raped. Don’t they know that looking a certain way increases their chances to become a victim of a sexual assault dramatically?
– We are in a civilized country! Our women believe that the law protects them from crimes against their sexual freedom. – replied chief prosecutor.
– The constitution of your country says that everyone is equal before the law and no one has privileges. Is this a correct statement?
– This is statement is absolutely correct! – agreed Mr. Stevens.
– But you just made a confession that the law gives your females a privilege over your males to tease them sexually without giving consummation to their basic instincts. In your own human terms, it’s a torture! Don’t you think that your women’s privilege to torture your men violates your constitution? There are lots of other serious loopholes in your judicial system, which you are aware of but neglect to take care of. The same way your females neglect common sense that tells them that their chance to get raped substantially increases when they exercise their unlawful privilege to tease their males sexually. Which brings me to a conclusion that the real reason of your not having control over your life is not lack of knowledge but inherent negligence, irresponsibility and a constant desire to please themselves at someone else’s expense.
– Objection, your honor! – shouted the young pretty woman from the front seat. – If that is the case yummy food, nice clothes, jewelry and other merchandise cannot be displayed for the same reason! It provoke thieves and robbers just like as you stated, women provoke men!
– Pretty merchandise is for sale, everyone can buy it. Are you and other women display yourself because you are for sale?
– How you dare to even say that! – yelled the young woman and blushed.
– I rest my case! – said the alien and shrugged as if he was human.
– The allegation stands! Objection overruled! – said the judge and his gavel synchronously.
– Thanks you honor! Ultimately, your negligence is caused by your sense of futility. In your course of life you are getting tired by your inability to communicate with each other and find compromises. That’s why you always try to find yourself a niche and not even attempt to fix the big picture. This inherent inability, not the lack of resources, cases your wars and poverty. You fail to achieve an agreement even negotiating sex, that’s why you so often resort to masturbation. What we’ve got here is failure to communicate!
– Not every human is like cool hand Luke. – did not agree juror number seven.
– Not to that extent but otherwise, pretty much! – retorted the alien. – For the same reason humans try to escape their reality and live in an imaginary world of any sort.
– What brought you to such a conclusion? – asked Mr. Stevens.
– You can see it for yourself. It is much easier for you to control your own genitals or your own computer by yourself than share the control of your temporarily conjoined genitals or your social infrastructure. For that reason you are so much disappointed with your real world that you totally lost your interest in it.
– Speculation, your honor! This allegation cannot be proved! – said Mr. Stevens.
– Mr. alien, please prove your allegation by a solid evidence beyond the reasonable doubt! – ruled the judge.
– With my pleasure! Go online and compare the numbers of sales of fantasy books and movies with those about natural world. The difference is appalling. Humans sell products of their imagination to each other and cherish those fakes ways more than their real life. But anyway, let’s make a quick and convincing experiment. Tell me, how many names of characters from book, movies and TV shows you remember?
– Several thousands, easily. – said Mr. Beckett. – I have a photographic memory.
– Splendid! And how many names of fish, birds, animals and plants do you know?
– A couple of hundreds.
– A couple of hundreds, while only the oceans on Earth contain twenty thousand species of fish and almost two million species of animals and plants! I rest my case!
– Sustained! – ruled the judge and sighed heavily.
– You stuff your heads with terabytes of useless information and demonstrate no interest to the real world where you live. And now you heave a very clear idea, why. Go ahead, say it!
– Because our real world is not a very nice place. – said CSI officer.
– And why none of you wants to make it better? Say it!
– And why is that? Say it!
– We don’t know! Maybe it’s just our lack of goodness! – exclaimed a woman from the spectator’s seat.
– Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie! It’s not a lack of goodness, it’s a lack of organization! You humans can’t read each other’s minds and for that reason you don’t trust each other. Your short life expectancy leaves you no time to win each other’s trust slowly and patiently. That’s why you habitually cheat and abuse each other instead of cooperating reasonably. That’s why you have created a very hostile world and have to live in it. That’s why you cannot acquire enough knowledge to increase your life expectancy. The only way for you to comfort yourselves is to shield yourself from your miserable world by a thick layer of money or escape into imaginary worlds of fantasy books, movies, religion, yoga, alcohol, psychoactive drugs and what not. Or just close your eyes and masturbate under the blanket.
– You are right! But we cannot be better than we are. If you can’t help us, please leave us be! – cried the spectator woman.
– I would if I could but I can’t. I can’t just leave you be! You exhaust the ecosystem on your planet in vain. Your unstable behavior and increasing technological power can kill this planet and make it lifeless again, just like before our first visit. The biomass of your species is about three hundred million tons, which is one point three percent of the biomass of all animals and unicellular organisms on this planet. However, the mass of physical matter that you use to support the life of your species is thirty teratons, which is ten thousand times greater than your own biomass. And you use those resources barbarously. All other species on your planet modestly borrow resources from the ecosystem for their lifetime. Once they die they return their corpses to the ecosystem for recycling. And only humans waste natural resources as if you have a spare Earth in your sleeve. You dump toxic waste everywhere, not even thinking that you are killing your ecosystem. The planet is choking with your non degradable plastic junk! We have to seriously think about eliminating your species to save this planet for a second chance. Maybe we should look at the cockroaches and make them more intellectual after we eliminate your species.
– Mr alien! We have jobs, families, children to raise, homes and mortgages, cars, errands, hobbies, relatives, doctors, pills and medical bills, lawyers and lawsuits… We don’t have time and strength to take care of our planet! All we can do is pay our taxes and pray God! What else can we do to save our planet, Mr. Alien?
– The best thing you can do for your planet is, die! I mean, all of you. When you die to save something more valuable than yourselves, death is an excellent choice. Your planet, your ecosystem is much more valuable for the balance of Universe than your distorted intelligence and your toxic instincts. Your planet is worth to die for! You will free the living space for someone else, better than your own kind, for them to grow, evolve their intelligence and transform their consciousness to God’s level of understanding and love. I’d rather you die than live on and poison your planet to death.
– In the name of God, please, leave us be! – sobbed the female spectator.
– You know what Jesus said about God’s love? He said, it is ultimate understanding and complete non-interference. Don’t even try to find those words in your scripture! – But that is God’s works. We are just his servants, and interference in cases like yours is our privilege and responsibility. What needs to be done must be done!
– Mr. alien! Maybe we can still change! Can you ask us one more question? Please, Mr. Alien! Maybe we are still worth living after all?
– Okay. Here is my last question that should seal your fate. Who of you drink a beverage called Martini?
– I drink Martini! – judge Hutchinson said. – Me too! – And me! – And me too! – shouted the others.
– Then tell me why people put an olive in a Martini, not a plum or a cherry, for example?
– Because this is a tradition.
– Why is the olive pinned on a piece of wood? Can’t you drink Martini and then just shake the olive right into your mouth?
– Mr. Alien, what if someone would like to eat the olive first and then drink Martini?
– You mean, some people eat the olive before they drink Martini, and some after?
– That’s right! – said the judge. – Personally, I chew my olive very slowly while I drink my Martini and try to stretch it over the whole drink.
– Well… I regret to inform you, humans, that you just have failed your final test. Your behavior is inconsistent even in little simple rituals! No way you can change!
– Mr. alien! Give us another chance, please! Please, Mr. alien! Please keep asking!
– Okay, Okay. Let’s try together to find at least something consistent in your behavior. When a human sneezes, you consistently say “bless you!” to that human, right?
– Yes! Yes! – yelled the people in the courtroom.
– But I usually say “zeit gesunt!” – suddenly objected a old juror with a kippah on the top of his head and Magen David on his neck. – The old Jew looked like a Buddhist monk in Nirvana. He’s been sleeping like a sweet baby during the trial and the subsequent debates and woke up at exactly right time to drop his two cents into the fate of the mankind.
– Shut your hole, you damn kike! – shushed everyone. – You will get us all killed!
– Never heard of anyone getting killed just because of sneezing. – the old Jew replied calmly.
– You may be the first one if you keep blabbering! – hissed the judge.
– Oi vey! – sighed the seasoned jury veteran. – You have to do something with your mashugana court, your honor. It reminds me of a mental asylum. What’s wrong with all these people?
– Nothing is wrong. – said the alien. – We are trying to find consistent patterns in human behavior.
– Then talk to a rabbi. He might give you the right idea. – said the old Jew.
– I am not Jewish, I am an alien!
– A rabbi can talk with the devil and even with a catholic priest, no problem.
– I wonder, what ideas I can get from a man who worships a god, apparently Jewish, whose only son converted to Christianity!
– Don’t you mess with my head, you little schmuck! I kept my old eyes closed so that my old ears could hear better. And those ears of mine heard your saying what my people knew two thousand years ago! That he was nobody’s son. Just a good looking extraterrestrial toy thrown on Earth to mess with Jews and Romans! Shit happens to any religion, when a schlemazel like yourself starts messing with it. At least we the Jews did not swallow your hook line and sinker like other idiots!
– You’re a wise man, Mr. …
– Zimmerman. Rabbi Zimmerman, at your service.
– Rabbi, you just mentioned shit and it makes a very good point! Here is my last attempt to redeem you, humans: aside from sneezing, what do you tell each other when you take a shit, urinate, cough, bleed, fart, puke, fuck, and do other stuff with your bodies?
– But why do you say special words when people sneeze?
– Just a tradition. – said old rabbi. – It’s like saying bon appetite when you eat and l’chaim when you drink. And you need to understand, people’s smarts are different. Smart people come to me for advice when they want to get married. Stupid people come when they already think about a divorce.
– Which, again, means inconsistent behavior at every possible level! I am very sorry but you finally proved to be unredeemable. I can’t spare you, humans! We will think how to better exterminate your species so that not to harm the rest of your planet. It will take some time to come up with a plan. We’ll give you one thousand years to prepare your souls for an easy and imminent death. Once we’re done with you, we will find the most suitable species to inoculate intelligence to. But no more monkeys! Now I am heading back home. Rabbi Zimmerman, you are the only human with consistent personality I’ve met on your mashugana planet. You are coming with me as my guest, we need to talk! Mr. judge, I am taking along your court hammer. We will place it in our museum as an exhibit reminiscent of species that did not appreciate the gift of intelligence, wasted its endless opportunities and was exterminated for its inability to live by reason and enforce law and order among themselves. Mr. judge, I’ll give you another hammer instead of the one I am taking. Here is your new hammer, it is made of pure gold, it is controlled by your voice and it moves automatically. Pray God in your own words, humans!
Rabbi Zimmerman opened his mouth, probably trying to say “shema Israel” and vanished. At the same moment the empty orange robe slowly fell down on the floor. Strange silence hung in the courtroom for a couple of minutes. Nobody knew what to do and what to say… The sentence was announced, the fate of the human kind was sealed and the trial has ended.
– THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED! – roared judge Hutchinson. – A huge golden gavel on the judge’s table jumped in the air by itself and fell down on its golden stand with a loud metal clunk.
The judge spat on the floor and uttered a long spicy blasphemy, which somehow brought people out of their stupor.
– What do you think people will do when they know for sure they are left to live only a thousand years? – asked chief prosecutor the court audience.
– A thousand years is a lot! – said the Alabama juror. – I think, nobody will give a flying fuck! People will keep doing the same old shit they’ve always been doin’.
– But the flying fuck will come back for all of us in a thousand years. – reminded Mr. Stevens.
– I don’t know when it will come back for you – growled the judge – but my flying fuck is already here, right above my shoulders. Shoo! – the gavel and the stand flew straight up to the courtroom ceiling and quickly returned to their places about a foot away from the judge’s ears.
Judge Hutchinson grunted, left his chair, and walked out of the courtroom. The golden gavel and the stand flew into the air and followed him right above his shoulders. Nobody have seen him in that courtroom ever since.
I could not find out what happened to all those people who were at the courtroom that day after the trial. But I heard a rumor that the golden gavel and the stand are still flying around the rubber room in the mental asylum where poor judge Hutchinson has been kept for quite a while. Most of the time he looks quite normal. He watches news on TV, reads some books, brushes his teeth and takes his pills religiously. But from time to time he suddenly starts gazing at the ceiling and barking: “Sustained! Overruled! Silence! Order! Motion denied! No objection! This court is adjourned!” And each time a golden gavel flies to its golden stand and hits it with a loud metal clunk. And then the judge jumps up to the ceiling about twenty times in a row, trying to catch those pesky things that he calls “the flying fuck”. But the gavel and the stand are very slick and always manage to escape.
The asylum administration tried to invite scientists, ghost hunters, bug exterminators and what not but each and everyone of them left the judge’s room empty handed and drove away except for one little physicist, who was so impressed that the doctors had to commit him to the ward next to the judge. Now this physicist is claiming that he is an artificial human created by a civilization far more advanced than the one on Earth, and his body consists of physical fields unknown to human science.
You might think as well that none of that story really happened and it is just a poor judge’s delusion. But how would you explain that not only the judge but everyone else in the asylum can see that golden gavel and the stand flying under the ceiling? There is no such thing as collective hallucination, right? The administration tried to move the judge to another ward but his strange personal effects follow him relentlessly. Everybody can see them but nobody was able to catch them as far as I know.
I have asked the asylum administration a permission to see the judge and they granted me an hour visit. Judge Hutchinson listened to me very carefully and gave me a really good piece of legal advice about my neighbor encroaching my property. As to his gavel, I looked at the ceiling and all around the room but I did not see not a damn thing! But everybody else in the asylum, including the doctors, nurses, orderlies, janitors and even the chief doctor and the accountant can see it, all right!
Every day right after the pill time judge Hutchinson stands on his bed and makes a short but very emotional speech: “Is that true that our judicial system is still not in a perfect shape? Yes, it is quite true! But no matter how bad it is, Justice is the only thing that draws a line of a difference between humans and other animals, especially cockroaches!” And you know what? He might be crazy as a loon but I have not a slightest doubt that after all, he’s right, even though human justice does not make humans any better than other animals, especially cockroaches. Cockroaches are amazing creatures, by the way. We know so little about ourselves and the world around us… Maybe one day… You know what I mean.
Just one more thing to tell ya… I believe that judge Hutchinson is doing great in his rubber cell. He is at peace with himself and I reckon that he feels eternal bliss like nobody else. He told me that he has been in his cell for eternity, or as he elegantly put it, from the beginning of unbeginnable time till the end of the endless Universe. He even showed me his golden gavel and the stand for a couple of seconds and immediately hid them again. The time will come, though, and everybody will see them for themselves!