The Driving Force of Everlasting Nonsense

The Driving Force of Everlasting Nonsense

My dear Philosopher!

I am writing this letter to you in reply to your letter that you are going to write to me in reply to my first letter to you that I have not yet sent…

Danny “Eel” Harms

***

My dear imaginary reader,

The first chapter of this book appeared to the world as an inline attachment to my letter that I wrote to a top notch literary agent. Her reply was not very promising: “Sorry, dude, no one’s gonna read this shit!” – That’s all she wrote. My first reaction was, to remove the no more necessary “letter” part from my manuscript and keep just the attachment, that is, the true beginning of this book that, as I said, happened to appear for the first time inside that letter. I hope it’s obvious now that the letter has never meant to be a part of this book. Now that I knew that no one’s gonna read it anyway, and I was writing it for my own pleasure, it was quite the time to get rid of the letter in favor of the attachment.

But strangely, when I started reading the letter again, with the beginning of my book in it, I suddenly realized that they were coupled even tighter than Siamese twins. It was absolutely impossible to surgically remove the letter without damaging the book. I had no other choice than make the letter a valid part of my book, only removing the part where I was telling that I had nowhere to live and nothing to eat and begging desperately for a small amount of cash: just fifty dollars. Or maybe, fifty thousand… The amount doesn’t matter because I didn’t expect to get it anyway.

I gotta tell ya, though, that I had a perfect place to live, plenty of excellent food in my fridge and even a bottle of Hennessy VSOP (in fact, by the time I finished the letter, half of the bottle was gone). It’s just the tradition, man! An emerging artist is obliged by the holy tradition to die of hunger and mostly, of hangover, day by day. Tradition overweighs condition, you know…

In observance of that tradition I could not start a new book just by writing its first chapter, no way! First of all, I had to get heavily drunk and keep drinking for at least two weeks, get involved into a bar fight, spend a night in a precinct or a county jail, where I was supposed to ask a little cop for a piece of paper and write a letter to a literary agent, asking to read the beginning of my book and, by the way, bail me out.

But I only drank for one night and completely skipped the bar fight and the precinct. Of course, the broken tradition avenged for itself, and the beginning of my book got stuck inside the improperly written letter. What was I supposed to do? So be it! – I told to myself – And that’s how this book, indeed, starts. It starts with the damn letter!

***

My dear Chastity,

I am a well-established Russian-language writer with an audience close to a million (just the audience but not the figure on my bank statement), living in the States for the past 21 years now. All these years I’ve been providing for myself, working a job of a software engineer. So I could only write my books in my free time – and mostly just on the fumes of my brain power left from work.

For that reason you won’t find much sense in my Russian novels and stories, even if you understood Russian like a native. But readers are not attracted to sense anyway. On the contrary, sense repeals them rather quickly. What really attracts and mesmerizes readers, viewers, and even spectators, is but pure nonsense. It does not take much brain power to write nonsense, and this is the beauty of it. But it requires lots of delicacy and precision, and that’s the caveat.

Let me beef up this thought, dear Chastity. You know, even the most perfect sense has its little flaws, those tiny specs of imperfection, which inevitably render the whole thing imperfect. On the other hand, nonsense is extremely refined and delicate matter: it is accurate and flawless by definition. You can question any kind of sense all way around – but nobody can question nonsense. Nonsense is always impregnable and shiny like a brand new silver dollar made of the hardest titanium alloy.

Persistent lack of energy and time, that was always consumed by my demanding day job, did not leave me much chance to study the primary writer’s tool I needed the most in America – written English – so I kept writing in Russian. It’s not that I was unable to write in English: on the contrary, I always did it quite easily. The problem was that I could never understand in the morning what I wrote the night before. I would desperately need a translator to regain a grip on my work that was already done.

And them translators, they charge a lot! Five dollars per short word up to ten letters and one dollar per each additional letter, as I remember. In case of a cuss word the rate doubles, and I use cuss words a lot. All in all, I’ve been stuck to a sophisticated foreign language for the longest time in my life because unfortunately I knew it much better than plain English. Now that I just turned sixty two, I am ready to retire and finally re-route the remnants of my mental faculties and time to my literary projects and start writing the finest nonsense for English speaking readers. Please try to sell every ounce of it dearly, dear Chastity.

Before I start discussing my book with you, dear Chastity, I’d like to explain what kind of a literary agent I need. I have visited a number of literary agents’ front pages, trying to learn their interests and find something compatible. Instead, I found dry and brutal submission requirements, apparently written by some ferocious dominatrix looking for a submissive masochistic slave. They must be thinking that submission is all about being submissive, really! But here’s the thing: I am an old fashioned stubborn Russian kike who plunged down the emigration grinder and made it out in one piece, so being submissive is not my thing. I am looking for a plain consensual, um… partnership, trying to stay away from any unhealthy arrangements that involve kinky stuff, and especially submission.

As a former psychiatrist… Yes, dear Chastity, I am not shitting you! Back in Russia I used to be a mental health doctor. I’ll explain later in this book, why I changed my career path to IT and software. So again, as a former psychiatrist, I always look at the agent’s face shots, trying to identify their personal traits. Most of their faces expressed the mental state of being set in their ways, signs of prejudice and close mindedness, preoccupation with some ideas that dominate the society (e.g., I can easily see a hint of feminist ideology on a man’s face: he starts looking like an premenstrual bitch), as well as excessive professionalism at the expense of originality – didn’t even need to read their submission requirements after seeing their faces. Any attempt to talk those people into something new that is outside of their pinhole chamber, is like talking an ATM machine into giving you a couple of hundies: you keep making your points, it keeps blinking smiles at ya, but the cash slot never opens.

So most and foremost, I need an open minded agent, a kind of person that won’t be shocked by a cuss word, a graphic story or awkward situation. I’d like to test the waters real quick. Um… let me ask you a simple question: do you know how to kill potato bugs en masse? Imagine, you’re in soviet Russia, growing your potatoes on a half an acre of land and you see them bugs and their larvas eating your potato plants alive! Any pesticide you can buy in the store will kill you dead way before the first bug starts feeling slightly sick. It’s not surprising because soviet chemical factories were producing chemical weaponry, primarily designed to kill humans, out of all pests, and those pesticides were their by-products sold to civilians to use for their agricultural applications.

Therefore, your only option is to collect the bugs manually, picking them from the potato plants one by one and storing them into a huge aluminum pot. After a long day of hard labor when your back and your legs can barely move and your arms and your hands are sore, you have your potato plants cleaned from the pests. As a bonus, you have a ten quart aluminum pot full of potato bugs. You can see their striped backs and twisted spiky legs moving relentlessly. You can feel their nervous fidgeting as they are rustling-rustling in the pot and scratching furiously its side and bottom, trying to escape. Now it’s time to kill them all. Do you know how to do it properly?

Let me tell you first how you certainly cannot kill them and shouldn’t even try. Don’t throw the bugs into a fire! A huge pot load of potato bugs will extinguish the fire at once, and most of the bugs will crawl away and get back to your potato rows in no time. Don’t even think about pouring the entire pot on the ground and trying to stomp them! You’ll ruin your shoes and the bugs will crawl away, even though the little buggers move slowly. If you try to pour and stomp them in small batches then less portion of the bugs will escape the execution but you’ll kill yourself with the exertion much sooner than you kill even half of the bugs. So what’s the solution?

It is amazingly stupid simple. You should pour a fair amount of water into the pot and set the bugs afloat. Despite what you think, the bugs won’t drown at once. They are still alive and keep trying to escape. Then you simply set it on a stove and turn on the burner… It’s time to make a potato bugs stew! For the first minutes the bugs feel quite happy in the warming water. They move, buzz, scratch and even try to hump each other as they always do. Then you start seeing the signs of worrying in their movement. The worrying increases quickly. The bugs start moving faster and faster. They’re trying to escape the heat, climbing on each other’s backs. Then they start panicking. Apparently they can feel pain and fear just like you and me.

At the last agonizing moment they run for their lives furiously and desperately, making an impression of hard boiling water. Another couple of seconds – and the boiling stops at once… Now the bugs are floating motionlessly in still water, with their serrated legs appallingly stretched out as if they were tortured by a bunch of daemons. They are done now. At this moment I can feel the sheer presence of death in my little garden cabin. It feels like translucent vibrating substance, emitted from the man made aluminum hell. It gently curls its fluctuating tentacles around my neck and drills into my mind, whispering: “Your love potion is ready, boy! Drink it and live forever!” Now I gotta shake those sticky tentacles off my frightened little marbles and get back to life… I grab the damn dish by its handles and empty it into a manure pit. That’s for the funeral.

Are you still reading, dear Chastity? If you are, and you’d like to find out how I came by this shit, it’s simple. Like many other boys in communist Russia I helped my parents to make ends meet. My parents bought a little strip of land called “dacha” where they grew potatoes, to save a buck or two on our food. Keeping the potato rows free from pests was my responsibility. Boiling the bugs in a pot was my little invention.

We all had to do lots of ugly things in order to survive. Killing potato bugs was one of those things. I wish I could boil those communists, who crapped up our lives, the same way I boiled the bugs, but apparently, for those pests I’d need a much bigger pot. I don’t have that kind of vessel in my disposal but someone else surely does! I envision that someone else boiling them communists in the pit of hell, I can hear them yelling and screaming as I still can see a little ferocious Russian devil boiling the potato bugs, hallelujah! Now it’s time to really start talking about my book.

At this point my book is not written yet but I can see it as an ad libitum mix of my Bio and my memoirs. It will definitely have more layers than both ogres and onions and tell lots of things but ultimately it should strongly suggest the readers to re-examine the proportion of sense and nonsense in their everyday life.

I will simply show them how usual ways of doing things that seem to be wise and safe, produce weird side effects when they rub off each other on a global scale. It happens so frequently that nobody give a shit and prefer to routinely suffer the usual consequences, unless things really blow out of proportions. I will bring plenty of examples, to prove my point, pertaining to different times, countries and regimes: communist USSR, then post-soviet Russia and finally, the United States.

The above mentioned unexpected consequences may have a killing effect. Suppose, someone got drunk and could not sleep and took a handful of sleeping pills after a glass of whiskey. End of story. Some other effects are pure rubbish. Something like taking a sleeping pill along with a laxative (according to Russian stand up comedian Mikhail Zhvanetski, “the effect is terrifying”).

The same effects can be observed as well in the IT industry, where different systems and applications work well in their core domains; however, an attempt to arbitrarily stack them up into a sophisticated bundle, expecting them to communicate meaningfully with each other, reveals a buttload of nonsense.

Undoubtedly, the utmost generators of weapon grade nonsense are governments and public politicians, especially law makers. It’s also true that social networks have been specifically designed to produce pure nonsense. And don’t forget political parties and mass media!

Here’s how I am going to outline the above mentioned layers in my book… While I’ll be laying down my Bio bit by bit, telling the mere facts of my being born in Moscow in the year of 1956, just three years after the death of Stalin, and my growing up in a provincial city of Ryazan, I will draw a series of small but epic pictures, digging them out of the depth of my memory. I will start with some fragmentary recollections of the shittiest part of my life, which also was the earliest one, but calling it “childhood” would be like calling a dog poop a birthday cake.

Ryazan… An ugly shithole that happened to be the city of my youth. I still remember its gloomy dirty streets full of ghetto-looking four and five story project houses inhabited by permanently drunk dwellers, mostly workers and low-paid personnel… its cold northern climate with lack of sunlight, where passengers in stinky overcrowded street cars sneezed and coughed at each other’s faces… where decent food was scarce and an orange for a pair of good shoes was an unimaginable luxury, and so was good clothes, good furniture and good books… Where you might get robbed or mugged or beaten into a bloody corpse just for being at the wrong place at the wrong time…

Ryazan… A mystic place where the twilight time agglutinated excruciatingly thirsty men into drinking gangs. Three hungover drunks, who did not even know each other, emptied their pockets into a sordid pile of cash barely enough to buy a bottle of crappy booze for them to share… You had to prepare you liver pretty well before making a first sip of that shit… Where those who already bought that so much desired bottle of cheap poison were sitting in a cold city park on a broken bench, spitting phlegm under their feet and cussing at each other, glugging in turn from their life-saving vessel that was mercifully bestowed upon them that night to extinguish their internal hellfire…

Ryazan… The ugliest place in the fucking soviet heaven, where anything you laid your eyes on was an eye sore with a pompous communist slogan painted on its front.

There was no such things as public restrooms in that city. You either had to hold your shit until you get back home or to some other place where they let you use their restroom or you had to find some secluded area in between fences, trees, garage buildings and shacks – anything that could hide you from passers-by and cops, and do your stuff real quick. With some experience you could find those “restroom” spots pretty easily. The look and especially the smell would lead you to the right direction. You always had to watch your steps to avoid the “land mines”: sticky and smelly piles of human shit left by the previous visitors. They frequently camouflaged their by-products with grass, leaves and trash to turn them into traps. Those “restrooms” usually did not offer toilet tissue so you had to use tree leaves if there was a tree around with some leaves not torn yet for the same purpose. Otherwise you had to wipe your ass with a suitable piece of trash that you pick up from the ground. Or just pull up your pants and keep walking like nothing happened. It’s much easier to choose the last option when you are drunk. You could not carry toilet tissue with you because this hygiene product practically was not manufactured in the USSR. At home we always cut old newspaper into suitable sheets and kept them in a special basket next to the toilet seat. As an experienced city shitter I always carried a piece of paper in my pocket, just in some shitty case.

State medical help was free but dentists were drilling our teeth without any anesthesia and the fillings they put in usually drop out in a year or two. Then the whole tooth would fall apart and they would pull out the roots for free, again with no anesthesia (yikes!). Most people were scared to death to go to a dentist. They’d usually lose most of their teeth pretty early and walked with empty holes like hillbillies motherfuckers – women, too – or wore horrific cheap grills like your nigga brother from the hood. Bad breath was a habitual norm as well as clumsy ridiculous underwear, worn out dirty shoes or the smell of burnt cheap booze from already stinky mouth.

Everything belonged to the communist state, nothing belonged to the people… Private business was forbidden and severely punishable. Religion was practically outlawed. Going to a church could ruin your career. There was not even one synagogue in Ryazan. The communist propaganda was telling every second in a stentorian voice how lucky we were to live in the USSR. KGB secret spies always raided the crowd clandestinely, watching out for unsatisfied people… Some fucking life!

Communist government deprived people of wealth and stripped their basic rights. As a result, those miserable people were ruthless and had absolutely no mercy. They did not have guns in their possession but men and women died regularly from stabbing wounds and heavy beating. Teenage gangs from different parts of the city were in a perpetual war with each other. They were using clubs, metal pipes and rebars. Most part of the population was extremely anti-Semitic. I might’ve been killed several times in my early age, especially that day when a drunk neighbor started throwing heavy bricks from the four story building’s roof, aiming at my head, yelling: “Die, fucking bastard, you little kike!” God watches for children and fools… Not even one brick hit me, and he threw more than a dozen.

I almost forgot to mention a huge military airbase in Dyagilevo, whose fighter planes were roaring constantly above the four story slum building where I lived as a child. There was a military antenna in a fenced area in front of our house that navigated those planes right above our project house. When they were taking off in pairs, using their afterburners, I felt as if my chest was being torn apart. And that heavy kerosene smell in the air, it would never go away, unless it was a really windy weather.

The water taps in our flat half of the time were dry as a pistol. When I opened the valve trying to squeeze out some water, the tap would say “ph-h-h-h-h-h” as if it was teasing me. At a better time the tap produced some dirty and rusty liquid substance that our cat refused to drink. We’d pour it into a big bucket and leave for a day or two, to let the rust and dust settle down on the bottom. After that we collected partially cleared water from the top of that bucket, boiled it in a huge kettle and kept it in the clean bucket for our drinking and cooking.

I remember our liquor stores… Alcoholism was a real epidemic in that God forsaken place that could not offer its dwellers any other entertainment that getting drunk every night. Most people could not afford vodka that was the only more or less pure beverage; they had no other choice than poison their system with cheap daily shit and die young. Every liquor store was unavoidably surrounded by a dark crowd of desperate thirsty men who were craving for any fluid that could just burn. They were begging passers-by for small change; the most desperate ones tried to rob anyone who looked like a possible victim. The pipes are burning! – They moaned in agony – Fucking help! The pipes are burning…

The pipes of soviet factories and plants were burning, too. They were burning out their worker’s lives. Working conditions were horrible, they made workers seriously sick in no time. The official life expectancy in the USSR was officially proclaimed to be about 70 years but cemeteries were abundant with the graves of men in their fifties and forties. No surprise, people were expendable in this country from eternity.

As a typical soviet child I was going to a kindergarten. Every boy was jealous of my toy soldiers that I treasured the most. Everybody was trying to trade them from me for some other toy, which I always refused. Until the day when some boy broke his piggy bank and desperately asked me to sell my precious soldiers to him for all his money. I refused as usual. The boy started weeping and crying desperately. The peer pressure was unprecedentedly high. Finally I had to give up and trade my little heroes that I loved for a bunch of coins that I had no use for.

When my father found out that I sold my toy soldiers, all the hell broke loose. I’ve never seen my old man that furious. I thought he’d kill me! A businessman! – He roared in my face – You little prick decided to become a fucking businessman?!! I was too little to understand what he meant. When I grew a little more marbles, I realized that for my communist father the word “businessman” embodied the worst type of a political enemy, the pure evil in human shape that communists wanted to wipe out from planet Earth. But at that moment I only realized that he called me a strange name I could not understand and the next minute he’d beaten a bloody hell out of my ass. My mother was too scared to stick up for me.

That day I lost a father for the rest of my life. I never trusted that grumpy hateful man ever since. When he died at the age of forty four I sighed in great relief. His most important contribution into my life was a harsh gift of understanding that an idea is not an abstract intangible thing unable to cause you any harm. An idea was a contagious and ferocious virus, it could easily infect the entire country. An idea could acquire material power, using the physical body of the people it infected. It could beat my butt into a pulp by simply moving the hands of my pathetic miserable father, who was infected and enslaved by that idea like many others.

All in all, on one end of the course of human history there was Karl Marx with his very Jewish idea that human shall not exploit other human’s labor. On the other end there was a colossal ever anti-Semitic country, where low classes uprose and brutally exterminated the majority of cultivated and intelligent people, following that idea. And there was a little Jewish boy in that country, beaten like a ginger stepchild by his own father, again as a repercussion of that idea. This is a bright example of what I call a global systemic nonsense.

As I was growing up, my father kept teaching me his communist faith. One day he started telling me about the dictatorship of proletariat. Proletariat is us, working people! We rule the country because we have no possessions of our own, which makes us the most just and fair-minded people on Earth! Do you understand?

I could not help objecting: I see them workers every day, father. They are ignorant uneducated rough people. They cuss every word and phrase out of the Satan’s book, they drink their shitty booze every day, they beat their wives and children, they piss on our entrance door like street dogs, and there is no place in the city parks where they didn’t leave a pile of shit. I see them every day lying dead drunk across the sidewalk drowning in their own urine and vomit.

How could these miserable people, this pathetic low life rule our nation, including great scientists, doctors, lawyers, artists, composers, philosophers, university professors? How can their ignorance, disgusting manners, strong addiction to alcohol or bad hygiene make them the cream of our society? – Well, my father replied, I think your butt has not tasted my belt way too long!

Pretty soon things changed at school, too. The system started drilling us heavily and regularly. We all had to join Young Communist League, “the Komsomol”, had to march like my toy soldiers that I sold in the kindergarten, only we had to sing soviet songs and recite communist slogans while marching. We were required to write the “socialist self-obligations” that I hated and report the completion; learn the biographies of Marx, Engels, Lenin and other communist idols and memorize quotes from their bloody books. I knew that those communist faggots wrote all those books with one purpose: to make my life miserable. I simply could not stand all that rubbish. I was hoping that someday this bullshit would magically evaporate into thin air, just like it started from fucking nowhere. But it’s been getting worse and worse every day until I suddenly realized that I was one of the very few, who had natural immunity to the communist infection. It’s not even that I could think out of the box. I was born an indigo child, so I never had that “box” in my head and always been thinking independently, and had always suffer the consequences.

The communist virus couldn’t infect and re-wire my atypical brain like everybody else’s, and that’s why I’ve been feeling the tremendous pressure of the communist regime all the time. The infected people did not feel that pressure at all. They were like dogs that enthusiastically learn all the tricks that their master teaches them and never question the master. And I just was not born to be someone’s dog. I was born a cat who always tends to walk by himself.

No matter how many books I read and how hard I tried, I still could not find the explanation, why the original communist ideas that were not bad (what’s bad in “peace, equality and fraternity”?) ended up as a tool of the oppressor? What is it in human nature that is capable of twisting good things in such way that they turn into horrible things? It was a crying out loud contradiction – and my inability to grasp and perceive the intrinsic mechanics of how perfect sense generates utmost nonsense was eating my mind for many years.

In soviet Russia only the dumbest people (and among them the most hard working ones) would take communist ideas at face value and become true believers – like my poor father, who worked an adult man’s job since he turned fourteen and who joined communist party in his twenties. But most soviet commoners were just skillful pretenders.

To believe or not to believe, it was not a conscious choice anyway. Most people can’t think in abstract categories. Therefore, they can’t seriously question their social environment, they can only adapt to it in the manner of an animal. They don’t have enough brains, let alone education, to understand such complex matters as a political system, economical principles, social psychology, etc.

Undoubtedly there are still enough smart people around who are able to learn and improve our social system to the benefit of all the people. However, they are smart enough to see how other smart people abuse the system and make it work for their own benefit. They immediately realize that they will be doing much better if they join those crooks and earn a good share of the loot instead of fighting them, trying to make the system work better for everyone. You wonder, why?

Just answer the question, why should smart people work hard and put their own asses at risk, trying to help stupid people to live good life? Why wouldn’t they just get rich themselves? You don’t know the answer? I’ll tell ya! They shouldn’t and they won’t because the majority of people always pursue their own interests and don’t give a shit about you. When people cut corners and exchange cheap shots, competing for wealth and prosperity, the best strategy is to join the toughest gang on the block. When a robbery is in progress in your ‘hood, it’s more profitable to help the robbers than those who’s being robbed.

Human society will never eradicate the ubiquitous natural phenomenon called corruption because corruption is a smart system inside a stupid system and it’s constantly recruiting the smartest people into its ranks. Matter of fact, it recruits plenty of stupid people as well because it always in need of cannon fodder. Someone has to do mafia’s dirty job risking their lives, take the blame for someone else’s crimes and go to prison instead of the mafia’s bosses. Corruption is a machine inside another machine, it replenishes its resources quite relentlessly.

You still think there must be some way to fight corruption? Then answer the ultimate question: how could stupid people prevent smart people from screwing their asses? Things can only change radically when the hereditary beneficiaries of the system lose their guards and smarts and strength upon the time and become as stupid as the rest of the population. That’s the exact time when a revolution or a coup strikes!

In Russia, in the twentieth century it happened twice: first in 1917 because Russian low classes led by the communists wanted to exterminate the upper classes and rob their wealth. Then it happened once again in 1991 because state wealth did not work for individuals at all, and everybody wanted to rob that wealth, especially those who were supposed to guard it, that is, the special government agencies and first of all, KGB.

As a result, corruption in Russia is now soaring much higher than in 1917 and in 1991. However, new political regime managed to get rid of all serious competitors, including political opposition. The newly formed Russian elite instinctively embraced the idea of getting rich by all means possible. Moreover, they made it the leading national idea. The ruling clan was able to consolidate all ruthless people in the country around that idea and create a monolithic system bonded and driven solely by the golden dream of getting filthy rich at the expense of the rest of the nation. Practically, nothing has changed since 1917, only the Lenin’s maxima “Rob the robbers!” was reduced to “Rob anyone you can!”

Government special agencies and organized crime blended together and created a regime that even François Duvalier would’ve envied. This regime is now incorporating all branches of power, all government institutions, big business, the clergy and mass media. There is no organized crime in Russia anymore. The regime incorporated it as well so now Russian mafia is deeply intertwined into the system. Anyone who wants to get rich or die trying must find their ways within the system, because it controls everything. If they prove themselves more useful than cannon fodder the system may hire them and the reward may be substantial, otherwise it may throw them out or simply make them vanish without a grave.

Communist shepherds always lived wealthier that regular people. Like George Orwell elegantly put it, “all animals are equal but some are more equal than the others”. However, they still had to hide their lifestyle from their herd because their hands were tied by the stale communist ideals of equality and fraternity. They were just guarding the state wealth but they did not own it like they wanted, despite of all their power. Now they wanted not just the power but also the wealth. The mindset has changed upon the time but the regime and the rhetoric has not. The stalemate could not last long and in 1991 the communist regime collapsed. The nation trashed notorious communist ideals pretty quickly and retired to the basic rules of life: “every man for himself!” and “if you’re so smart why you’re so poor?”

The turmoil called “Russian perestroika” was horrific but the outcome was not bad until a little ratso named Putin seized the power. Russians are no longer practicing their notorious genocidal religion, the bloody communism. Needless to say that communism in Russia just like Nazism in Germany were both nothing else but modernized religions where Marx, Lenin, Hitler and Stalin were worshiped as gods.

Communism in Russia lost its appeal because everybody realized the hard way that fighting for social fairness is way less rewarding that fighting for a good life of their own. Most importantly, they realized that their leaders who urged them to fight for social fairness never hesitated to push them into a deadly battle and then reap the benefits of their victory and have a good life or run away safely in case of defeat. Corruption never rests.

As long as people’s memories are fresh, nobody in Russia wants to kill and get killed for communist ideals anymore. Now Russians are willing to kill only for money and power, just like any normal people who are not as sick in their heads as radical Muslims. This is a significant improvement because people never kill, torture, imprison or ostracize nearly as many of their own kind for money and power as they do for their religious ideals.

***

In Brezhnev’s soviet Russia, that I only remember, one’s career expectancy was “hard earned” by the accident of birth. The offspring of the big cheeses was guaranteed fast and steep careers and high rank positions in the communist party or any other government institution or enterprise. I still remember the popular saying from those times: “Can a colonel’s son become a general? No he can’t! Because the general has his own kids!”

There was, however, an important exception due to a communist declaration that working people in the USSR have an incredibly vast career opportunities. This declaration was indeed confirmed by real actions. Communist government reserved a certain number of more or less attractive career spots for the selected representatives of the social classes they usually promote: workers and peasants.

Young people with the right social origin had an official score raise when passed a university entrance exams as well as other privileges. They also were admitted to the communist party much easier than others. For anyone seriously making a career, membership in that monstrous organization was mandatory: it was the starting point and a firm buildup for a successful career in any possible field.

But there was also a catch twenty two. Once you’re a member of a communist party, there was no way back. You couldn’t simply resign your membership without complete devastation of your life. As a lowest rank communist, a private, so to speak, you had to serve like a soldier under the command of the superior party officers and obey any order, even if you were ordered to walk into flames and die burning. And if you didn’t obey they would burn you anyway, slowly and painfully.

Communist party had complete control over each and every entity in USSR, except KGB. That’s why KGB eventually seized control over the country after the end of the communist party. Communist leaders had derived from the same low life origin, the notorious “proletariat”. That’s why they were ignorant, illiterate, arrogant and appallingly unprofessional. Their leadership cost the country much more than the worst enemy’s sabotage activity. They usually barked their orders downward, not even trying to learn the details. As a result, regular people had to pay dearly for their ignorance, arrogance and ineptitude.

Sure enough, upper communist leaders were not in complete denial of their natural limitations. That’s why they invented a simplest way to avoid competition: beside they own children, they routinely recruited into the party the most slimy and subservient bastards they could find. The operative word in those times was “devotion” but it really meant “servility”. Communist leaders valued that type of “devotion” much more than honesty, intellect and professionalism.

As a result of this unnatural selection, the Soviet Union at its latest time was controlled by a bunch of slimy worms who elaborated supernatural instincts and skills in bureaucratic intrigues and were absolutely inept in any other area of expertise, much like a highly specialized parasitic organism in biology. Communist party needed servants and cannon fodder just like any mafia. However, the official explanation of the promotion of the low class people was both pompous and primitive: those who were “nothing” before the great revolution are now “everything”! Those who’ve been oppressed all their lives are now entitled exceptional rights as a compensation for their suffering!

Because of that communist travesty the children of street thugs, hillbillies, habitual drunks and other trash called “proletariat” had special privileges for university entrance. A whole bunch of those dumb-ass C students entered our medical university in Ryazan and studied medicine along with to me. I could only sigh helplessly, watching that dumb trash in white gowns, who took the places that rightfully belonged to talented young people. They were shitty students and as expected, became unskillful and illiterate doctors. I’d rather die than agree to be treated by my alumni.

Even dumb communist officials understood that the qualification of those peasant doctors left much to be desired. But they’d clean up their policy, saying that at least those shitty doctors will come back to their shitty rural places, where nobody else wanted to live, and help people using their poor skills. At least those degrading rural drunks will have a shitty doctor than no doctor at all.

However, those peasant students had their own plans. They did everything possible to stay in the city and never come back to their rural shithole, where people had to freeze their asses in the outhouse and bring water in buckets from a water well, where roads had never seen any pavement, where food and manufactured goods were scarce, where bottled moonshine was much stronger currency than soviet money, where all the people were permanently drunk because a sober human being will go berserk in such a fucked up place in less than a day.

I remember how they used to approach me and say: “listen up, you city boy! You’re going to work in the country! For we’ve been stomping liquid dirt with our kersey boots all our lives. Now it’s your turn to live in a rural shithole and eat our shit, and drown in our shit every day, and it’s our turn to live in the city, walk its clean paved streets and wear nice clothes and clean shoes!” I was not surprised at all. As the old proverb says, give a mouse a cookie and he will ask for a glass of milk.

***

As you may imagine, all those times I’ve been dreaming that someday I’ll flee from that goddamn country to the Promised Land ruled by democracy, to the United States of America! But when after many years I finally moved to the US, I did not see even a small hint of what I’ve dreamt about. In reality I saw a painfully familiar ideology-ruled society, massive propaganda and usual persecution of free thinking. I did not realize soon enough that freedom of speech in America was a complete fake and I’d better had kept my mouth shut even more thoroughly than in communist Russia. As a result I said something that was not “politically correct” and was fired from my job.

In America they don’t need to put you in prison for your words, it is more than enough to simply terminate your employment, and you’re done anyway. Once you’re unemployed and have no income, you better find a way to go to prison voluntarily so that you at least had your three hots and a cot. It’s better than rot and starve to death under a shitty bridge like a sick animal.

Job termination here in America is much like termination of your membership in the communist party in USSR. In many cases it will be the end of you. Now that you have no income and can’t pay your rent or mortgage, you have to put your furniture by the dumpster because nobody will buy it, and think how to survive because you’ll have to move out pretty soon. Along with your job you also lost your medical and dental insurance, so you can’t get any medical help if you get sick, even the shitty one that I had in USSR for free. You are ostracized from the society, you’re on your own! You need a good reference from your previous manager in order to get another job but if you were fired, you won’t get one.

That’s why when you came from the HR with a pink slip on your forehead, and cleared your desk, and a little security guard in a gray uniform is proudly escorting you to the exit, and you’re carrying that notorious cardboard box half-filled with your meager belongings, your coworkers, many of whom you considered friends, turn their heads far away from you, trying not to even look, let alone say their farewells. That moment you feel like you are infected with a contagious disease and the whole world is trying to rush away from you. And those few who are brave enough to give you that last look, they are looking at you as if you’re a dead man, and you really are. Once you’re fired, you’re a dead man walking.

Frankly and honestly, I could find only one meaningful thing in America: a fair opportunity to trade my skills for green dollars. Everything else did not have much sense to me. My coveted America turned out to be over-regulated and bureaucratised ways more than communist Russia. I was completely lost, I could not imagine how I would live in this country without a miniature lawyer in my pocket. Everything was forbidden. Every door and gate was riddled with signs “No weapon”, “No soliciting”, “No loitering” and “No trespassing”. And for those who still want to solicit or loiter or trespass or bring a machine gun there was another sign: “Security cameras are in use!”

Every highway had a posted speed limit that nobody obeyed anyway. Every bridge and every pier had signs “No fishing” and “No swimming”. Every beach entrance also had signs “No vehicles beyond this point”, “No dogs on the beach”, “No alcohol” and “No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk”. I could not loiter or solicit at the shopping center front door at my own risk but at least I could swim on the beach at my own risk.

And with alcohol, it was a complete disaster! Drinking alcohol was forbidden on the beach, in the streets, at the parks, on the piers and bridges and at other public places. “I just bought a case of Miller High Life. Where am I supposed to drink my fucking beer?” – I asked local people. – “Drink you fucking beer at home”, they replied. – “What’s the fun, for fuck sake? I want to drink my beer on the beach by the water or in the park under a tree!” – “And people in hell want ice water but they can’t have it!” – replied American aborigines.

“Wait… There are plenty of bars right at the beach. Why I can legally get drunk in the beach bar and immediately go back to the beach being drunk but I can’t get drunk right on the beach by myself? What kind of stuff do they add to my glass that makes my being drunk legal, eh?” – “Okay, okay! We know it is a stupid law. You can drink on the beach, just wrap your beer bottle in a brown bag so that the cops could not see you drinking alcohol, that should be enough. We always drink on the beach that way”.

“Would it help if I wrap my fishing rod in a brown bag when I am fishing from a bridge? Shall I wrap my car in a brown bag when I’m driving eighty miles an hour in a fifty miles an hour zone like every other fucking car on the highway? Can I wrap my glock 45 in a brown bag and bring it to an office building?” – “No-o-o-o!!!” – “But when I wrap my fucking beer bottle in a brown bag…” – “Yes!!!”

A little later I found out that I cannot give people psychological advice or fix their front yard or even catch a fucking fish without a license, I can’t sell my apples or carrots by the side of the road without a license either unless I sell for cash, and I cannot put up a fence on my front yard or change a window package in my own house without a permit.

Strange, very strange country…

To my Russian understanding, American social life and especially private life was a total fuck up. Later in this book I will try to cover a little more the undeclared war that American women are waging against American men and all the devastation it brought unto this country – appalling divorce rate, numerous children suffering under the split custody, crushed and humiliated men who forgot how to be a head of a household, and a catastrophic national epidemic of “singlicity”. People are social animals and being single for a long time makes them sick.

As a former psychiatrist I couldn’t help but notice an incredibly high percentage of mental disorders among American people, especially depression that lonely people are very much prone to. I also found out that most people with depression could not afford a psychiatrist, so they were helping themselves with what was in their disposal – beer, gin tonic, vodka lemon, captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Prozac, Xanax, Oxycodone, Tramadol and many other inventions of the refined human civilization. To me it was a complete nonsense.

However, the best example of absolute nonsense, I’d say, is a notorious “affirmative blacktion”. Just like in communist Russia, American government was giving social support to their low classes, only the beneficiaries of the exceptional privileges, instead of workers and peasants, were African Americans.

Needless to say that American blacks have ways more privileges than Russian white trash back in soviet times. Black men break the law and go to prison very often, therefore to my opinion their most important privilege is humane prison conditions. In prison they all, including the most notorious felons, have good nutritional food, their own beds and mattresses, medical help, daily yard time with basketball or volleyball, a library and even a TV. If they don’t screw up they can easily stay alive and healthy in prison for twenty years and more, while at large they’d probably die much earlier due to the drug use and deadly violence they are prone to. Russian prison inmates were always kept in horrific conditions and without regular support of their relatives and friends from outside they’d usually die in prison pretty soon.

After more than twenty years in the US I still can’t understand why Americans are trying to bribe their former slaves so desperately. Isn’t it clear that the more you’re bribing them, trying to iron out what ever guilt you feel, the more you corrupt them, making them more and more brazen and insatiable? Okay, once upon a time their ancestors were slaves of your ancestors. So what? It’s not your fucking guilt, is it? It’s the guilt of your fucking ancestors! Those times had long gone and now you have each and every right to live free of any guilt. Let history be just history! …but corruption never sleeps, and some street smart greedy niggas are still trying to milk their history in order to get good stuff for free and live at the expense of the society even before they started serving their jail time!

The history is teaching us that if you don’t need a slave anymore you have only three options: first option is to chase your slave far away so that you never see him again. Africa is a damn good place for it, by the way! But those smart asses don’t want to go back to Africa, they want to leech off of you in America. Second choice is simply to kill the useless slave. This is the most reliable solution. No person, no problem, like comrade Stalin used to say. But it should’ve been done at the right time! Now there’s too many of them, so it’s too late. The last and the most risky solution is to free your slave and let him live right beside you as a free man.

A free black man, not a freed black slave, who still feels and thinks like a slave and holds a grudge against anyone whose skin color is white. If he is still thinking about his slavery and still hates your guts and does not move on, he’s still a fucking slave down inside. He does not understand that you want both of you to be equals. The only truth he knows is that people have always been divided into masters and slaves. Now that he saw that his master lost his spirit he wants to become a master himself and turn his master into his slave. And the more you’re trying to bribe him out of that desire the harder he’s trying to enslave you because he can see that his efforts bring immediate result.

It is your burden – the burden of a white man – to free your black slave completely, once and for all, and make absolutely sure he’s a free man now, just like you! You have to free him by all means possible because if you fail to do that, you’ll have to either deport him back to Africa – or just kill him in self-defense when he resorts to brute force. That’s what’s happening in American streets every day: pretty often a white cop has no other option than shoot a feral nigger who went on a rampage.

Of course, you still have the option that he would cherish the most – become his slave! It’s sad to admit that American populus and establishment succumbed to that final option… Uncle Sam became a nigga’s bitch and now he shuts people’s mouths with political fucking correctness, so that nobody could call things their real names and fully realize what happened to their country.

I start falling into a belief that just like a cow is a holy animal in India, a ghetto rat is a holy animal in America. If it’s not then what’s the point of feeding that nasty creature with all kinds of social benefits until it commit a felony, and keep feeding it in prison cell just like they feed an exotic animal in a cage?

All I know that when things have been going way wrong for way long and nothing can’t be changed without bloodbath and excruciating pain, people shut down and start denying the obvious. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, you know… I can see the same picture here in America as I used to see in communist Russia: most people understand how deeply they are fucked up but nobody dares to say the ugly truth and suffer the consequences.

Anyway, I don’t give a shit about American thing with their former black slaves because I am a Russian man with Jewish roots. My ancestors never had no slaves, so I owe you nothing, my nigga! We live in the same country and have the same rights and responsibilities. So tell your pathetic shit to American born little boys with hairy dicks and a big snot instead of brains. Maybe they’ll buy you a Rolls-Royce and let you sell coke and crack to their children right near their school. But I won’t give you a penny! Everybody man must work for himself and for his family, I’d give them bloody communists a credit for that one! So go and get yourself a decent job like a free man, you lazy fuck!

I am preaching this not just to black idlers but also to every non-working spic, chink, honky and other politically incorrect national who thinks he is too good to work and especially to you, useless ultra-orthodox piece of shit who dares to call himself Jewish! Don’t inflict shame upon my ethnicity, shave you fucking braids and get yourself a job, right next to your African-American brother! I don’t want to be called a Jewish parasite because of your filthy attitude to the society!

There are many other types of parasites in America besides ethnic system abusers – by all means – faggots, dikes, transgenders, feminist bitches, porn stars, radical Muslims, atheists, Jesus freaks, vegans, Greenpeace freaks, lefties and anti-abortionists, whining single moms, annoying charity organizations, journalists, athletes, celebrities, supermodels, plastic surgeons, gay couples, lawyers, politicians, advertising copywriters and illegal immigrants… Shall I include drunk drivers? It’s harder to single out every attention bitch on the marketplace than enumerate every potato bug in the pot!

Just like the most primitive lifeform, the proletariat, was ruling USSR at the times when I was young, these proselyting fascists are now ruling the great country of Columbus. They brainwash our society the same way parasites excrete poison into their host’s body to make it more edible. They are not typical social parasites because most of them have jobs. They are even worst type of parasites: ideological parasites. Rather than stealing people’s money they are stealing things that are much more valuable – people attention and sympathy. They use their goddamn “political correctness” to melt people’s brains just like spiders use their saliva to melt the fly’s guts before sucking them in.

Numerous ideological parasites compete for public attention and sympathy with modest and honest people who also have their needs and require lots of help. But modest and honest people are getting none of public attention and sympathy because those valuable and limited national resources have been depleted by the ideological parasites. As a result, regular working people are suffering and the parasites are thriving.

Where are you, normal hard working Americans, whose brains are not poisoned yet? When are you going to raise your voice and your fist and stop this ongoing brain vasectomy once and for all? Are you going to blow this filthy foam off the top of your melting pot and make America great again, or you decided to wait until the evil one put this pot on his hellish stove and turn on the burner?

I think that at this point all kinds of ideological parasites and those who use their rhetoric to distract the society from the real problems, will start calling me a communist or a fascist or an extremist and all other names out of their books. But those names won’t stick to my face because, unlike those real fascists, I am not telling people how to choose their values and live their lives. I am just telling them that they are drowning in a pool of nonsense, that’s all.

In Ryazan medical school the ideology enforcers was ordering me and my band mates in our university band to sing songs about fucking Lenin, Russian revolution and other communist vomit – but we still had the courage to sing “Come together”, “Hey Jude” and “Yellow submarine” and then suffered the consequences. Our communist administration had never forgotten a thing and always came up with a revenge.

I thought that someday in America I’ll be able to say and sing and play whatever I want. It’s a free country, isn’t it? Little did I know the real state of the Union. Here, in the American citadel of democracy, if I’d film a simple movie that shows, for example, an IT department and some typical problems that IT stuff faces and solves every day, with just normal characters, simple engineers and technicians, this film will never see a theater for the reason of being not politically correct.

They will start telling me that my movie must have at least one fag or dike character, or better yet both; that a male IT director is abomination before God, it must be an abusive bitch, who bosses men around like little boys, giving them no respect; that an adorable young female character with gorgeous boobs must be the engineering genius; and there must be a wheelchair character, too. There also must be at least one nigger and a couple of spics and chinks in my movie and they must be smarter than honkies. Kikes are usually not required in the character plot, because they don’t march on kike parades with circumcised dildos, bitching for attention. On the contrary, a transgender character is absolutely mandatory! – as well as a low income single mom of a bipolar teenage girl, who has asthma and becomes suicidal from time to time because she was raped by her schoolmaster at the age of twelve. A character with Down syndrome will adorn the cast even more. And to make my movie 100% democratic I also have to add a character with HIV and another one with genital herpes. As you can see, the main movie-making rule is simple: each character must carry a well-recognized stigma. Once this mandatory requirement is met, it’ll be the bestselling movie, no shit – God bless politically correct America!

Dear fellow Americans… I’ve never seen more severely ass-raped idealists than brainwashed citizens of the United States. You may still believe that your country is a pinnacle of democracy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you are proud of your politically correct values exactly like we used to be proud of our communist values in USSR – proud under the whiplash! Once the ruling clan has told you what you must be proud of, you either make a clear impression of how proud you are, or you’ll be publicly flogged. What kind of a free man you are if you are scared to death to pinch a pretty girl’s butt like all normal men do in all normal countries? You believe that all this fuckup is true democracy because you’ve never seen anything different. But I can easily recognize under the mask of your democracy the same old communist fuckface called “dictatorship of proletariat”!

It does not matter what characteristics make a social group “proletariat”: being a worker or a peasant in Russia or being a female or a homosexual in America. What really matters is the absurd idea of giving a social class special privileges or any other advantage over the rest of the society, so that unscrupulous people had a legitimate right to bitch for attention and exploit their race or sex or anything else in order to become more equal than the others.

No matter how hard you brainwash me, I will never believe that a filthy drunk worker in Russia, who cannot hold his urine in his bladder and smells like a pig, can rule the country.

No matter how hard you brainwash me, I will never believe that a high school girly-girl in America has the right to challenge a scientist’s theory just because it does not sit well with her precious religious beliefs.

No matter how hard you brainwash me, I will never believe that a wheelchair ridden lesbian black female with genital herpes instead of education will be a better president of the United States than a well-educated white male. I will still say that his Harvard University Diploma suits the job somewhat better than her gender, color, ghetto talk and genital herpes altogether.

Ideology and common sense are mutually exclusive but people don’t give a shit about common sense, so ideology wins. It is always a Pyrrhic victory because every ideology wears out its welcome at some point and people then scrape it from their minds and charts and immediately get carried away with a quite opposite idea. The nation leaders always ride ideology like a dog sledge while regular citizens are pulling that sledge, barking at each other and biting each other thighs.

The leaders don’t care about the direction their sledge goes; what they really care about is to stay in the fucking sledge. They know that in order to stay in power they have to throw a meaty bone to the dogs that bark the most. So they throw a bone to a women lib bitch, a bone to a barking nigga dog, a bone to an ass-biting faggot and so on, and so on. And where do they get all those juicy bones from? Of course, they slash you, you politically correct fucking idiot!

Political correctness is not the only bullshit that American establishment is using as a means of total thought control. Since my first step on American soil my mind started being soiled with the smelliest shit I’d ever known – fucking commercials! I still can’t watch American TV because that bloody box is ass-raping my brain every minute, yelling and howling like a drunk whore, that I must drop whatever I was up to and buy their hot shit right away.

Just like communist propaganda or political correctness, this informational genocide liquefies human brain and molds it into a controlling device of a biological machine that can learn, work, shop, eat, shit, drink, vote, have primitive fun and even make half decent babies but absolutely can’t do what makes a human a human – it can’t think independently!

I remember myself twenty years ago sitting on a couch with my American girlfriend Cindy Lou in front of her TV, watching some crap. She could watch it easily and even laugh at times. I was sitting next to her groping her big boobs and wondering how she and other people in this country can watch this shit every night and their heads are not exploding like Chinese firecrackers at a ghetto wedding.

The answer, however, was pretty simple. After watching TV for a while, Cindy Lou went to her garage and lit a joint that, I believe, was thicker than my oversized dick. I was standing next to her and talking while she was puffing and in no time I became stoned like a graveyard boulder. As a result the part of my body that, I believe, was thinner than Cindy’s joint, lost its natural ability to get hard. An avid sex addict, Cindy Lou was seriously pissed. No more pot for you, Alex! When you get stoned like that you can’t perform!

As long as I‘ve been gradually expanding my dating experience, I could see other common fixes that helped American girls, back and white, to watch their TV – beer, gin tonic, vodka lemon, captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Prozac, Xanax, Oxycodone, Tramadol and many other inventions of the refined human civilization. However, the most effective remedy was completely natural, it was just the saving grace of ingenious stupidity. My psychiatric experience was invaluable in those situations. I knew exactly when it was time to skidaddle. Anyway, I think I poured enough American nonsense into my book for right now, so let’s get back in time to USSR and its misery.

***

What do you know about connection? It’s a thing without which Internet won’t work, right?.Long time before the Internet era in communist Russia your whole life wouldn’t work without proper connections. Well paid jobs, good food, decent clothes, furniture, car, tape recorder – anything you can imagine, you could only obtain through the connections with the right people. Without those connections you’ll be eating shitty food, work a shitty job, live in a shitty place, wear shitty clothes, and everyone will treat you like a piece of crap.

Of course, connections in the medical world were as much important like anywhere else in USSR. The most attractive medical jobs were not just located within the city limits where there was some sort of civilization and life was not completely desperate. After location, specialty was the most important thing. A job that every doctor dreamt about was a narrow specialist like cardiologist or neurologist or urologist or an eye doctor or an ear doctor, etc. They were seeing their patients in clinics or in hospitals and their workload was not unbearable.

The worst job was a district doctor’s job. A district doctor in soviet Russia was a general practitioner who was assigned a city district full of sickly and chronically ill people. Those poor creatures, mostly women, were the martyrs of the communist system. Their workload was horrible. All day long they had to walk on foot long miles or use shitty public transportation to visit numerous patients with any kind of sickness, including highly contagious diseases like flu and other respiratory infections.

There was no such thing as paramedics in USSR: doctors were so cheap that the government made them the first responders. District doctors had to deal with deaths, drunks, blood, vomit, feces, aggressive patients and their relatives, pranksters, and just the healthy pretenders who called for a doctor to get a sick leave – all that shit for a miserable salary that was barely enough to sustain their bodily needs with crappy soviet food.

University graduates in USSR did not have the right to choose their own jobs. They were assigned their jobs by the communist government according to a graduates personal placement state law (the precise translation is “personal distribution of young specialists”). After graduating from the Ryazan medical school I was not “distributed” to the Department of Health like the other graduates. Instead, I was handed much like live stock to the Department of Social Security where doctors were supposed to work in nursing homes.

Nursing homes in USSR were merely the land fields where communist government was dumping its old and disabled citizens who had no relatives to take care of them at home. Those institutions were usually hidden in the most desolated rural areas so that no looky-loos, especially foreigners, could accidentally discover such an abominable place where the inmates were doomed to rot in complete isolation and misery until death. The personnel who helped them to stay alive was rotting alive along with them.

Most of those places had a position of a doctor that had to be filled according to the law. Of course nobody would have worked in those horrible dumps voluntarily, and communist government forced medical school graduates to fill those positions using the power of the law. Young doctors were losing their marbles in such places in no time. They’d either ruin themselves with alcohol or even commit suicide. Of course, nobody cared.

I was assigned to the Ryazan branch of the Department of Social Security, whose nursing homes were an abomination before God. This horrible assignment was a direct consequence of all my university “wrongdoings” – saying wrong words, singing wrong songs, playing wrong tunes, giving wrong looks and most of all just living at the wrong country. It was the revenge of the communist regime to a young man who did not break under its pressure and an attempt to break him again by all means.

Once the system has you, you’re a cog in the machine. But a little man still can take advantage of the machine if he know the rules. I did not like internal medicine and wanted to become a neurologist. Neurology always attracted me because it is a very logical discipline. The next best specialty after neurology was psychiatry. Social Security Department always needed psychiatrists for its psychiatric nursing homes. I filled the necessary paperwork and went to the psychiatric internship. If I was distributed to the Health Department I’d never had a chance to become a psychiatrist unless I had really powerful connections.

I have to say that medicine was a poor choice for my career because I had a scientist’s mind and that type of thinking is certainly not that makes a good doctor. No matter what I’ve been dealing with, I’ve always tried to understand the cause and effect chain that defines the sequence of visible events. Unfortunately, medicine is not a real science nor art and neither a technical discipline. At this point medicine is no more than a huge collection of all known facts of very different nature that helps a little doctor to deal with any kind of situation and make a decision that at least won’t cause much harm to the patient.

Out of all medical departments psychiatry has the most limited knowledge about its subject, nearly none, because it deals with the most complex thing in the world, human mind – thinking, emotions, behavior and what not. Nobody knows how this shit really works and all damn theories are just speculations. Theoretical knowledge gives you a rat’s ass of help when you try to understand what’s happening in the mad girls’ head, and that mad girl happens to be your patient.

She’s out of her little mind and she’s doing things I’d better not tell you about so that you can sleep calmly at night. How can you get her back to normal? The answer is, you can’t. Once she went mad she’ll stay mad. When she’s not taking her pills she’s quite mad and when she’s taking them regularly she’s less mad, still mad. You can’t take it out of her, all you can do is help her to use the rest of her grits to cope with her madness and with the world around.

That is actually the main thing that I learned in Ryazan regional psychiatric hospital where I worked as a psychiatric intern, learning the trade and preparing myself to descend into a real hell. The name of the hell was Ryazan regional psychiatric nursing home where I had to work as a doctor for at least three full years according to the federal law. I’ve been marking every day in my little diary like an inmate sentenced to death marks the days left until the execution.

The nursing home was situated near the village called Romantsevo. The compound was surrounded by marsh land, boggy creeks and agricultural fields. There was only few paved roads in the area and none of them passed close to that place. To get there one had to turn to a little dirt road not known to many. It was snaking around marshes and suddenly hid in a wooded area. I never took that road and never found out how it ended at the compound. I always took a straight walking path stretching throughout a huge field from the railway station to the village. In about two miles the path entered a wooded marsh where I had to jump over small creeks and cross the swamped area hopping from one flat rock to another.

Right after passing through the wooded swamp the path forked into two branches. The thicker branch led to the village hidden behind the woods and the smaller branch curled around the marshes for half a mile and then suddenly ascended to the top of a flat hill where I finally could see the compound. Its main building long time ago was the manor of the local landlord and was at least hundred years old. There other buildings, as I remember, were office shack, garage, infirmary, warehouse shed, laundry building, bathhouse and workshop for the residents, and a pig ranch.

There was one more building on the outskirts of the compound, it was a heating boiler station. In Russian climate with its frosty winters electric power was not nearly enough to heat the buildings. They were heated by the hot water that was circulated thru the pipe system from the boiler station to the buildings and back. The boilers were heated by coal furnaces tended by a stoker, a skanky little man whose Christian name was Vladimir Karanotov but he usually would go by Mustache. He was a chronic alcoholic.

He and the rest of the personnel had been recruited from local peasants and former prison inmates who had served their time and had nowhere to go and nothing to live on. Nobody would hire them except for this horrid facility where no one else would work. Those sordid parodies of humans were rough creatures – uneducated, ignorant, very rude, and extremely xenophobic to the extent of paranoia. In my current recollections they are reminding me of American hillbillies. Their blurry miniscule minds was always occupied by just one thought – how to pull through a day and get drunk. Needless to say, they all were hopeless alcoholics.

There were a hundred and five female residents in the nursing home. The wards on the first floor were occupied by deeply debilitated bed ridden residents. The nurse assistants were feeding them and changing their bedding. There were no diapers at those times so they defecated and urinated in their beds. Most of the time they were soaking in their own feces and urine until a nursing assistant finally changed their sheets, mumbling blasphemies that substituted prayers. The majority of those who still could walk or better yet, crawl, were crack-brained doddery grannies. There were also a dozen or so severely mentally disabled younger females who could not live by themselves due to their condition. Those residents dwelled on the second floor.

As I mentioned, the main building was erected more than a hundred years ago and has never been renovated. The basement had no entry and was separated from the first story only by thin wooden flooring. Time and negligence turned it into a huge pit swamped with filthy water that nobody ever tried to pump out. Terrible stench was coming in between the floor cracks and mixing up with the smell of the feces, urine and rotting bodies of the bed ridden residents.

Our nursing assistants, orderlies, etc. were exposed to the stench for so long that it did not bother them at all. They loved to watch the first time visitors who’d never inhaled in their plain boring lives anything like our institution’s signature smell. Right after the first greetings the visitor’s face turned pale and after a minute it became green. Then I asked the visitors if they are hungry and offered them a breakfast or a dinner, depending on the time of the day. I remember only one visitor who joined us for a dinner and ate like a king. He was an old skinny chap who spent most of his life in a federal prison and such a trifle as some odd smell did not bother him at all. All other visitors at that point rushed to the porch and started calling Ralph, without a big white phone but rather loudly. It did not take long for me to get used to the stench because I’ve been exposed to the similar smell in the psychiatric hospital.

All our residents were at the final stage of their lives and diseases, therefore they needed care much more than any medical treatment. However, there was a couple of troubled residents that periodically caused a lot of disturbance. Those grannies still had able bodies that packed some serious moves but they were completely out of it, like an old sturdy house with the totally unhinged attic. And those old girls were fast, too! When any of them assaulted another resident, their fists and fingernails ain’t joking. By the time the orderlies pulled the attacker away from her victim, poor granny had already been beaten and scratched all over like a drunken hooker.

I usually gave the guilty resident a good dose of Thorazine and Haloperidol as a special token of respect. I learned about this killer mix during my internship. The doctors in the psychiatric hospital used it quite often to punish the patients who engaged into a fight or tried to escape or got drunk. Unfortunately, my senile attackers did not have enough marbles to realize that they were punished, so my rough treatment only postponed the time of the next incident and could not eradicate the problem.

On the contrary, after a while things became much worse because one of the fighting grannies started assaulting other residents using a dangerous weapon we could not even think of. That nasty old bitch had an iconic last name, Kopeikina. The Russian word “kopeika” means “penny”, so her name translates like “penny woman”. An avid fan of James Bond and the Beatles, I re-branded the old gargoyle to Miss Moneypenny and a bit later to Penny Lane.

Every afternoon Penny Lane, like all walking grannies, would come to the lounge and have dinner with her fellow residents. She ardently slurped her soup and chewed the main course very diligently, putting to work all her teeth. She had only four left, three on the lower jaw and one on the upper, but they were the teeth of a crocodile, long and sharp, bright yellow. The main course was usually a boneless chunk of fish or a chicken leg with mashed potato or sticky rice, and she devoured it rather quickly. This dining room has never seen other dessert than warm tea or liquid jelly or compote, which was served in heavy stainless steel mugs with sharp rims. Nobody realized that those mugs were formidable weapon but Penny Lane.

She gulped her dessert in one long take, licked her wrinkled fingers in a disgustingly sexual manner and suddenly a devilish flame would blaze in her eyes. Next second she grabbed her mug by the bottom, raised it high above her head and swung it down ferociously onto the head of a resident sitting at the table in front of her, chopping her scalp with the rim. Poor assaulted granny would usually squeal like a hare at night when an owl is breaking its spine with his mighty talons. A pool of blood, a nasty wound and a concussion were the usual outcome of the assault, which turned a walking granny into a bed ridden one for quite a while if not forever.

“What are you gonna do with her, doctor?” – asked the director each time after another assault and I did not know what to reply. “Next time she’ll kill somebody and you’ll be responsible for the murder”. “Let’s refer her to a psychiatric hospital” I would finally say. “Not an option! The hospital is always overcrowded, they won’t take her. You’d rather do something here and do it quickly”.

I remember asking the orderly to bring the brutal resident to the medical room. “What am I gonna do with you, Penny Lane?” – I asked a rhetorical question. “Fuck me, doctor!” – She replied. “I am kinda old but I still could use a good fuck. Why don’t you pull out your dick? I want to smell it!” “No, Penny Lane! I don’t show my dick to murderers! You nearly killed poor old Masha Mukhina? Why?” “Because I hate this cunt and I’m gonna kill her anyway! Are you going to fuck me or what? I know my face is ugly but you can take me from behind!” She turned her back to me, bending over and trying to pull her gown up and her panties down.

“Doctor, you’re in trouble!” – said Natasha, the orderly, laughing softly while wrapping a sheet around the brazen old bitch’s arms, torso and butt. She wrapped her like a spider wraps a fly and purred “Let’s go back to your room, my dear, would you?” “Don’t fucking touch me, you slutty cunt!” replied the old fiend fiercely. “Why do you call her Penny Lane?” Natasha asked. She was a big tall and very strong woman about forty years old. Her body was covered with prison tattoos and she also wore a very fashionable front teeth grillz, prison style. “And by the way, I am ways younger and a much better fuck. Pour me a glass of vodka and you can fuck me all night long any way you want. I swear you won’t be disappointed!”

She told all the truth. One day the weather was so rainy and nasty that I had to stay overnight. There was no TV or radio in the infirmary where I stayed and I opened a bottle of vodka, the only product of our refined civilization available in those circumstances that could help me kill the time. Thirty seconds after I pulled out the cork, the door screeched open and Natasha slid into the room with tiger grace, touting a faceted glass in her hand. “Fill it to the rim!” she said imperatively and sat on my bed. I obeyed. She drank the contents of her glass without a chaser like it was tap water. She filled the glass swiftly: “Now’s your turn!” Here sharp tiger eyes stared at mine piercing straight thru me while I was drinking. Strong alcohol hit my head like a sledge hammer. As long as I finished my vodka she took the glass from my hand and put it on the night table. Then she sighed, stripped off my clothes with a couple of professional moves and undressed herself with a lightning speed.

This female tiger was fucking and sucking me the whole night relentlessly like a machine, not saying a word. She was not pleasing me, she rather was devouring my body like kids devour a lollipop. She broke the silence only once, saying in a hoarse voice “You can go down on me if it pleases you, I will never say a fucking word”. Her words had a perfect sense to me. A man known to be going down on women could have a serious trouble in prison. The inmates would turn him into a prison girl pretty quickly.

I was a young strong buck just turned twenty six years old but I was barely alive after that night. At six o’clock in the morning the iron maiden got up and put on her clothes. “Next time I’ll eat you alive, my dear doctor! That’s what I do to handsome young men like you” she said, then grabbed her glass, poured in it what was left in the bottle, drank it in a split second and left the infirmary with a tiger smile on her face. “I love you, too!” I replied to the slamming door.

There was no surveillance cameras everywhere those days so she could not watch me in the infirmary room. How could she possibly know what I was doing? I can only guess that her appearance right after I opened the damn bottle was related to some supernatural instincts developed by the locals in the survival process. She slammed into my room uninvited, drank more than a half of my booze and practically raped me, while I was trying to rape her back, that’s all I can recollect about that night.

Thinking of Americans, they would definitely qualify this funny nightly incident as a rape case. Blimey, Americans are really paranoid about their sexual rights and responsibilities. Especially the rights! They invented a ridiculous thing called statutory rape and other travesty. They developed a whole bunch of legal rules that define what’s considered consensual sex and what’s not. They debate if they are ready for sex, they take classes and consult with doctors and counsels.

What’s wrong with these people? They completely fucked up the best natural thing bestowed on us by our maker. Back in Russia things were so simple! We knew that as long as we’re alive we’re always ready for sex and if we’re not we must be already dead, just did not realize it yet. And if I am about to stick my dick into a woman and she is not yelling at me, not scratching my face and not kicking my balls then I am certainly having consensual sex, and you can take it to the bank.

Director Puchkov was a miserable hillbilly piece of shit like all those people but he was right. Penny Lane was my responsibility and I definitely had to do something about her. But what? My first thought was to simply poison the old bitch with the right combination of certain drugs. I knew a couple of very good combinations and if I was sure that I get away with the murder, I would have poisoned that sleazy cunt with a great pleasure. But I knew that no later than the old bitch takes her last breath, the entire personnel would rush to the police to be the first who snitched on me.

While I kept thinking the door to the medical room opened and a skanky little man hopped in, touting a faceted glass in his hand. “How ya doing, Mustache?” “Good morning, doctor! Doctor, I really need a hair of that dog…” “That bit ya last night, eh? Again?!” “Not again, doctor… Still!” I took a tiny jar of formic alcohol from the shelving and poured its content into his glass. “You’d be better off if you kill that nasty dog of yours once and for all, bro”. The little man scratched his hairy nose: “This is not my dog. This is a dog from hell that nobody can kill – but it kills everyone. He’ll finish me off pretty soon. Oh, I know that for sure, man”.

If I had to die or drink a jar of formic alcohol I’d rather die. But the little man with hairy face was carved out of flint stone. He drank his fix like a lord, sniffed his sleeve and used a handful of tap water for a chaser. “This dog is eating you alive. You’d better decide what to do before it’s too late”, I said. “I know exactly what to do”, he replied. “What?” “Die, man! All I can do is just die. Is it right that you’ve been fucking our famous Natasha Koshkina all night long?” “Said who?” “Everybody! You’re on the local news, man! What took you so long? Every new man over here fucks her on his first day!” “No, I did not fucked her. She fucked me. ”Crikey! Now that she fucked a doctor she’ll become even more popular!”

I got a bit puzzled. “Is she, um… real popular?” “By all means, man! Maybe you can tell me what makes her so good in bed?” “She’s not human, that’s why” “What is she?” “She is a female tiger, I saw it” “Oh, crikey! I was told that shit before but I did not believe it!” “Do you believe it now?” “How could I know? I tried to approach her but you know what? The unrefusing Natasha Koshkina told me to go to hell and jerk off… I am doomed, man!” “Because she is not a whore. She’s a sexual predator and she predates only on fresh meat, buddy! Now you go, get real drunk and die like a man!” “Aye-aye, sir!”

I asked our superintendent to set up a separate table for Penny Lane in the diner and make sure her table is far enough from all other tables so that the orderlies on duty had enough time to intercept her next attack. I told them to really keep an eye on her when she takes that damn mug in her hands. Our superintendent was a climacteric grumpy bitch. My humble request for a small dining table was the last straw and a perfect excuse to start bitching around. First I’ve been wasting formic alcohol to relieve the poor junkie’s morning hangover and now I’ve wasted a whole table on just one person. The orderlies were huffing and puffing that they are not security guards and it’s not their fucking duty to protect someone’s fucking head from beating by a fucking mug.

Everybody was unhappy about the situation except Penny Lane, who was not just unhappy, she was furious like a hungry hyena in heat! When I told her that she is separated from the rest of the diners she went berserk! “Doctor, you bloody bastard! How dare you to expel me from the community?! Me! A Christian fucking woman! I hate your guts, you damn faggot! I swear on Jesus Christ that I’ll bite off your dick and feed it to the dogs and rats! I’ll fuck you wet and dry you crisp, you moronic son of a whore! I’ll rape your ass with a broomstick in your sleep!”

I took a theatrical pause and whispered tragically “You really mean it, my dear?” “Fuck you, dipshit!” “And you think I will ever have sex with you after what you just said?” “Doctor, you know… I was just really upset with you but I did not mean what I said… I am a decent Christian woman and I don’t sleep around but if you really want me, just ask and I’ll give you what you want”. “I love you, Penny Lane, you’re an angel. Just promise that you’ll never beat up other girls and I’ll marry you next year if my wife gives me a divorce”. “You ask your wife for a divorce now and I’ll try to be good.” “You better be good, Penny Lane!”

The radio behaved pretty strange that cold November day. Instead of usual radio shows and news about heroic labor of soviet workers and peasants and the intrigues of the western imperialists it was translating mourning music all the time. I gradually became wary: something must have happened. Suddenly the music stopped and a heavy anxious pause hung in the air. After a minute that felt like half an hour the radio announcer said in a well-delivered tragic voice: after years of declining health our leader Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev died.

The news spread around our madhouse with a lightning speed. Everyone except the most demented residents started crying and howling. The most sane residents formed an initiative group who set off to the office and began demanding from director Puchkov to send a mourning telegram to the political bureau of the communist party immediately. They also brought the list of the names of the senders that must appear at the end of the telegram. We are the veterans of labor, we have the right!

Director Puchkov took the telegram and the name list, assured the residents that he will go to the post office and send the telegram right away and the grannies went back to their quarters, still crying. I watched through the half opened door how the director tossed the papers to the trash can, spitted there too and said a few Russian words that I hesitate to reproduce even in English.

Panic kept spreading around our institution. I almost ran out of our Thorazine supplies and had to ask our superintendent to reorder. Both our epileptic girls had bad seizures that day. Even the most ruthless one, Penny Lane, seemed to be shocked with the news. She approached me from behind trying to group my butt and asked in an ingratiating voice ”Doctor, I understand that today is not the right day for personal inquiries but have you already asked your wife about divorce? I thought about it, you know, I am a Christian woman and can’t have sex with a married man”. I have to say, there was not much brains dwelling in that mournful place but everyone had a strong gut feeling that life irreparably changed its course and nobody could predict what is awaiting us ahead.

1 thought on “The Driving Force of Everlasting Nonsense”

  1. Ещё один текст в работе, теперь уже на нашей американо-английской мове. Это мои давние и не столь давние воспоминания облечённые в форму мемуаров. Размышлизмы как всегда прилагаются во множестве. По мере наличия времени и настроения буду развивать этот проект.

Leave a Reply